your birthday

got up this morning with her hair in
knots. so you sat her on the bedroom floor
& found the big brush with the bristles &
tugged until her hair bloomed like a handful
of clovers. take her to the coffee shop
even though she won't get anything,
point out the window at clouds to keep 
her attention, you know her. you know
she'll try & get away again. if she's good
at the super market buy her the neon candles--
the ones that have purple & blue & green flames.
buy her more than one box. ask her how
old she is-- seventeen, fourteen, ten, nine--
don't tell her to pick one-- just nod &
write the numbers on the sheet cake. 
there was a few years were we'd blend boxed
cake mixes-- funfetti & devil's food in 
the brownie tray. her skin freckles with 
confetti, convince her she's not sick--
just full of too much sugar. she follows
you into the shower but you have to keep
an eye on her & you show her where to 
wash to scrub out the bruises-- 
the peppermint scented soap-- she lathers 
herself into whipped cream. as you dry her
she asks what happened to your face & you
lie & tell her that when you reach your 
20th birthday that sometimes you get
fed up with being a girl. she touches
the stubble on your neck-- still damp
from the shower. you tell her to pull
up a sleeping bag on the floor by your
bed like your parents used to do when you
had a nightmare. she clutches an old
stuffed elephant to her chest & she
counts backwards from one-hundred 
to fall asleep. even though it's just
in her head you can hear it & it seems
to get louder & louder-- the windows pounding
with each number. she keeps losing track
around the number eighty. when the numbers 
stop you light the neon candles &
set them into her forehead. you apologize,
of course, it's not easy to be a birthday.
you lock the door so she won't leave. 
you can't let her leave. she won't
do well out there. at the end of the bed 
you read the book of saints because 
it's supposed to help you sleep.
the bed becomes frosting, a sheet cake
with the ends eaten off by your father--
the food dye turning the whole room blue.
you wake your birthday up when you shout,
she asks you what's wrong. the room
goes back to normal & she plucks 
the candles out of her skin. she hands them
to you & says 
another day, another day.

god's chestnut tree is behind 
the italian place; the one your father
parks at to collect chestnuts, spines & all.

he's filling his black paint bucket. 

i went down the stone path to
the chestnut tree on campus & it's burs 
are dull & nonthreatening. 

does the infancy of planets 
always go unnoticed?

i'm telling you i felt each barb 
as they matured--challenged the callouses 

skin: thick as mom's leather pocket book

dollar bills wadded up beneath 
the surface

your freckles are made of pennies

earth: a chestnut in early july 

each fruit will someday be 
the heart of another person if you
give it enough time

god, our father, standing
on the car roof to pick them 

he wears gardening gloves

there are coats made of needles
at the goodwill 

you try one on & i tell you
that you look aching

lately i've been tree-shadow 
wandering-- cutting off the dark 
branches & burning them
at the bottom of the closet

the shadow of the chestnut tree
is heaven-- or maybe just 
the Subaru he drives home

it's selfish but i know
i want someone else to peel me open

leave the husk in a trash bag for
one of the those clothing donations bins

i crawl in the slot & undo bag
after bag hoping for something sharp
to wear

drinking ginger ale, i'd snap off
the tabs to make necklaces & 
cut my tongue on the bent metal

blood tastes like raw chestnuts

ziplock bag me for the walk home

did the earth peel open like this?
or did god dig in with her fingers,

quills under nails,

to pry everything out

collaborative is what i call a body

is what i call a tree

i'm not interested in the chestnuts in june
they're not ready yet

if you position the telescope the right way
you'll see earth without water

you'll see the chestnut tree without
the spines

i keep gardening gloves in dresser

two pairs

jupiter beetles 

it was hot enough yesterday to melt
the jupiter beetles back into metal
where they came from. 

i bend down to ask them how many centuries 
it's taken them to train precious gems 
the same glisten as their skeletons

they with the mouth of swarm-- angry 
drone soul leaving the ground 

the beetles test the limit of the atmosphere

the beetles push themselves into my
knuckles like rings

there's aluminum foil
in the top drawer of my dresser--
i wrap myself & kneel out in
the sun in the hopes of becoming
baked-potato soft

if i'm not careful they'll start 
to swarm around my head like a halo or a crown-- 
linking together in a line at my forehead
a circlet 

in the bathroom mirror i peel them off--
clattering like jewels on tile floor

the drain gulps them down as they 
turn molten & melted under the shower head

pull back the foil & i'll open
my mouth to let out the steam-- the metal 
is contagious & soon enough you're 
bending me-- crinkling & folding.
you take a beetle between your
thumb & index finger & squash him
into a tight ball 

we'd find the carcasses & put them 
in wooden chest beside bismuth &
quartz-- the shine from the beetles
making nightlight voices from inside

open the cabinet when it talks to
you but don't be surprised when you
wake up silver or bronze-- there's no
such thing as gold-- there's just the 
right reflection in the body
of metallic animals

you know it's june because the 
sunsets are adolescent. the beetles 
are crowning everyone king who they see 

you're not special & neither am i
but you should keep the beetles
somewhere-- 

save them for the cold months 
when you can open the drawer &
make a sun out of them

crown me again though when i walk
down by the holly bushes & the flowers--

teach me metal forevers

at AcMoore 

i always run into god in an AcMoore
craft store aisle. you didn't notice him,
but he was perusing the little plastic 
animal figures beside us -- sticking handfuls 
of white tigers into his robe pockets. 

dad used to buy us each a plastic creature,
i was partial to the dinosaurs & you 
would sometimes get birds-- poised in flight.
the palm sized bald eagle bore her talons & 
my velociraptor left bite-marks on our forearms.

i wonder if there was a craft store before earth,
if maybe god went up there with a wad of allowance
to buy his first twenty statuettes-- humans with
their eyes still shut on the shelves. naming them
as he linoleum paced, back & forth.

i asked you & god what your favorite medium
is to work in. you say water colors & god says  
pastels, like me. we love the mess-- the thumbs 
marked with color. in high school we learned about
pastels by all drawing this same beach scene 

but i added blue to the sunset. is there a dozen
or so sunsets because of us? god smudges me-- leaves 
my face blurry & i loose track of the days.
he doesn't apologize for men who are artists never
have to apologize. back alone in his study

he sets the white tigers on the shelf. they
eat each other out of fear until only two are left.
god draws them between sips of coffee. me & you,
still in the craft store aisle. my own pastel
self is full of blended indigo-- i notice the

water in you. the bleeding the page.
i tell you that i love water color because i 
love having to start over again & again. i wonder
if god ever started a world of water color & gave up.
does it rest beneath his bed?

half-finished trees-- muddied brown leaves--
black: infectious in the creek. sky leaking
into our skin, we, sea foam green. if we should 
ever go there i would bring my plastic dinosaurs. 
let them go. drink the grass. disperse the sun.

fondue

all forks in the bathtub. my brother
swallows spoons from the peeling bathroom
floor. what are the towels for? hanging sideways
from clenched fists that thrust through
the wall years ago. they won't let go.
i wish my face in the sink & think gooey
cheese comes out the faucet-- scorching
hot & sizzling. all the drains clog with
apprehension. if you don't treat the house
like a body like a family like a vein
like a brother like a bowl in the sink--
then this is what happens. you're on 
your way home from work-- texting with 
your right hand & the tires turn into
wheels of cheese-- melt into the asphalt.
a fork comes down from between the clouds 
to skewer you & dip. gorgonzola & manchego--
i find the grater from the cabinet &
grate each of my pens into the bubbling pot. 
broth pours from the ceiling into the 
basement & dad breaks off the carpet &
rolls each into hamburger patties to kick
down the stairs. so many years i was scared
of those steps & the orange light that bled
from underneath the basement door as he'd
table-saw himself into quarters each night.
it was the kid's job to go downstairs &
piece him back together while he told us 
stories of the times he was in a band. 
this fondue is involuntary-- the melting
of our bodies trapped inside the house
on noble street-- windows sealed like lids.
i pound on the glass but the suction
is too tight. we might as well give in to it.
to the melting & the will of our bodies
to melt together. there are different 
types of un-becoming. this one is familial--
the stories we tell each other over &
over-- filling the bathroom & collecting
as fog on the mirrors. you tell
the story of the neighbor boy who 
she had a crush on & my brother joins
the priest hood before melting into
a pool of cheese. grips a fork for like.
i use my fork to push this mythology back down
my throat. no one wants to hear another
intrusive thought or a memory of falling
from the second floor window. if i can soften enough
here what will be left of me? my bones
turned marscapone & provolone-- white hot--
dip the meatballs-- the chicken fingers--
the celery sticks-- the baby carrot fingers. 
we all taste like salt, especially you.
i'm peeling the red wax from your smoked gouda skull.
you come home from work to all of this--
the house's siding slipping into a hole
in the earth. i hold a fork out for
you & you get in. we don't say anything 
this time. we eat quietly like a good family
like a good family.

white out, blueberries, & firefly 

i had forgotten what it feels like
to sleep the whole night through-- a panic
sweeps over me & i wonder what my body had
been up to for all that time. we drove up 
the back roads & didn't feel our skin
disperse into clouds of fireflies. how
much distance can one person spread out
until they are no longer one body? felt my
legs walking soy bean plants-- felt a throat
full of incandescence-- it tasted like a metal
bowl of cantaloupe or tongue pressed to a
disinfectant wipe. at the desk again 
while the velociraptors aren't watching i unscrew
the lid of the white out that they keep
in the top drawer. i don't seem to have
the ability to fill out a form without needing
to blot something out. i drink it fast like
a cup of cold medicine-- erasing down 
inside me. i wonder what will be canceled out.
the bone marrow? arteries? lungs? 
don't lungs look a lot like a meaty
butterfly? am i trying to take off?
the runway is an unmade made that i 
want you to come back to. i drank 
the white out because there's a list 
of words i don't bring up-- keep
the ceiling comfortable. if a commercial
airline breaks in through your window--
you keep calm & tell them they can surely park
on top of you. when we were picking berries
that one time, all together 
in the metal simmering sun i picked one
up & it blinked at me-- all the berries--
bush after bush of eyeballs. i had to
eat them before they saw me like that. 
mom took so many home. blinking in the bowl. 
by the time they were rinsed they
were blinking like fireflies. i open
wide to show you my tongue cut out by
white-- deleted all but four teeth.
avoid smiling so as to not give myself away.
i don't recommend this as an antidote--
it's bitter & tastes like a mystery-flavor
(because you know they'll never tell you
what you were really eating). for now
i'll catch the fireflies & press them back 
into my forearms until i have a whole 
skeleton again. wash the berries in
the sink until they shed their eyelashes.
i wanted to lay in that field there &
just let it happen. let the bugs come out
of me & stray further & further apart
until i was just a legend of a stopped 
red van on the side of the road. openning
the window to shoe the airplane back outside.
it leaves tire marks on my pillow that smell
like hot rubber. i wanted to just let the distance
happen. stop resisting the pull-apart--
the miles between each blood vessel. but then
i thought of you. i drank the white out
& here i am making the bed-- stray fireflies
smashing their skulls against the closed window.

afterlives

when there's dry thunder like
this i imagine that there's storms
getting lost wandering off to a different plane--
the afterlife for weather-- where the hurricanes
go when their spirals come loose--
the untying of shoelaces-- the turn of
a pinwheel. this particular sound is the
storm from fifteen years ago when the
lightning formed the veins of our father's
legs & the thunder snake bit our ankles.
the clouds are behind the wall paper--
up the stairs-- kneeling in the ceiling lights.
it is a little known fact that the 
spirits of storms are the ones responsible
for power outages-- convincing whole houses 
to open their mouths-- electricity
set free like cockroaches into the yard.
i feel the carpet because underneath 
the cloud is standing upside down--
an underworld body-- he has a suite press
& hanging on the closet door. he is a bible
salesman. lights flicker & we gather around
the lanterns. i ask you if you have
any candles & you say no. i like the 
flicker so i teach you how to ignite
your thumbs. this all reminds me of the apostles 
in the upper room-- the gothic columns &
the prayers for the coming of jesus so soon.  
i feel bad for them thinking that he would
rise again so quickly. the coming again
of storms & gods is a process not easily
understood. the best you can do is open
the windows & beckon the storms back
out of purgatory. i see the cloud sulking 
up the staircase-- hand on the banister.
i ask why he insists on pounding the walls
today. he gives into a drizzle-- droplets
on the front windows. sometimes i try 
to cry & all the comes out is the ache 
of typhoons. they whisper inaudibly--
you ask what language that is but you
won't let me take the matches to your tongue.
this is how we learn to speak. on days like
this when the thunder insists on solitary 
tantrums i follow it down deep inside--
i take a pairing knife & cut a slit
in the wall paper. the house on franklin
street has new owners but the same paisley
prints in the kitchen. the openning
is the size of a change purse but lets 
me in easy. our bodies contract. 
i wander until i come to a place where
it's down-pouring & my thoughts are read aloud
by the hurricane gales-- ripping out 
old earrings & putting them back in again.
i came back here so that i could remember
that even the weather has a memory--
in god's vinyl disks on the book shelve   
am i a divot or a disk? the thunder has 
a fat tongue that becomes a snake. 
it makes a gravel-puddle of me. 
i ask if the they're all looking for
an afterlife & they ignore me & go on. 
i'm not either. 

dye

the first time i dyed my hair blue
i washed it out in the big plastic sink
where you rinse your paint brushes.
there was can of sardines open at the bottom
& a bowl of shriveled grapes. knuckle-deep
in blue. i tried to scrub the dye out
from under my finger nails but my cuticles
went indigo & the creases of my palms
made mosaic tile blues. on the shelf
in my bed room a tiny framed picture of
the virgin mary observed me with her
blue cowl. i used to want to play many in
the Nativity. i don't know why but
it might have had something to do with
the color blue. i need to find something
to do with a bucket of mismatched hair dyes.
the pink reminds me of the cherry blossom
dress & the green that never took even
after three layers. i lay outside
in the grass & hope that the green there
is contagious. the splotches that will
never wash out of the bathroom sink.
do they remind you of me on a hot summer
afternoon when you go to wash your face?
i came to take showers & let the dye
drip down my body like i was a melting
wax figurine-- clumps of red-- the maroon
blood spilling from my nose & my ears--
the copper orange making a sunset
to drip down my chest. i don't know what
to tell you when i explain that i don't
like to dye my hair anymore. i feel like
it would be a lie to call it a passing
adolescent impulse. there is something 
religious about wanting to summon a color
out of your body. soaking into my pillow--
i bleed purple & blues-- pressed into 
the case like a stamper. i'm here dumping
the dyes in the shower-- using them
to stain my skin-- streak of teal &
violet. maybe i will go outside & tell
all the trees to kneel down on the bathroom
floor while i work the colors down to their
scalps. you will come out this morning &
in the rain the trees with wax-doll melt
like it do. there are waters that still
draw inks out of me-- i hemorrhage prism
until i'm an empty glass triangle
to hang in the window. what will
the light do with a boy like me? 
that first time you told me it looked
uneven & together we sat at the kitchen 
table-- layering the color on again.
Vaseline-crowned girl. saint mary in the
stairwell-- washing the blue out
of her hair. all the saint's fingernails
are cerulean & you color me cobalt.   

call me mountain-boy & walk me 1143.61 meters deep.
there's a train somewhere but the body responds
better skin-to-skin. tracks running away from us 
on the nimble-legs of the tahr, it's eyes plucked
from goat faces-- hooves cracking off & becoming
stones. you ask me how far we can fall from &
i find you a tunnel through the mountain where
plummeting is a horizontal action.
the longest tunnel through the Himalayas comes
right after Barog station. named after the
British general whose ghost hide's its face
in a shroud of fog & engine smoke. as they
dug the tunnel from both sides, no matter how
deep  they could not make the sides connect.
i take my shovel & you take yours:
disrupt the body god & go deeper. i see the teams
of men alone as the darkness makes itself
vaster to mock the human drive of exploration:
within the rocks an infinite distance-- the hiding
place of the night sky when it folds up
like a chess board  at first sight of the sun.
the general wept when the news came--
that there was no way all the way through 
the mountain. you slip your tongue
in my mouth as if there's another side 
you're going to reach in me. is this
us giving into the illusions of our muscles,
that somehow we could make a railway of each other.
i don't want that from you, i do, however
want to find the bones of the general--
his gun shot from within the darkness
making a wrinkled face of the stone, horse
wild and shrieking as he slumped 
to the cavern floor. the hooves keep 
pounding forward & i try to catch them
to show you what my heart feels like
falling horizontally. are you there still
on the other side of the cliff? shovel
under your tongue? the generals bones 
proliferating the tunnel into a rib cage
for us both to climb into, talking by the 
that leaks in between the window blinds.

ispy

i tied a string around each of
my teeth with the blue yarn. tethered
to the door knob, i slammed it until
they all came out, dropping onto
an open page of our I SPY books. 
who came here & made such a mess of us?
i tripped you so you'd fall in 
& later apologized. that's what siblings do,
make sure you get thoroughly lost.
i always liked the I SPY pages of
the city-- the roller skaters & 
the corn cob lined fountains. i often
stared into the images with no attempt 
of finding anything. i would see myself
ambling about-- building a home from 
thimbles & dog biscuits. a handful
of gumdrops glows in a stop light. 
as night would come like the spilling
of marbles you would become more frantic,
a need for some sense of order emerging 
in you. so, i'd let you line-up 
the match box cars in rows of five. 
a universe bound by chaos, when
we'd wake up all would be dispersed again.
this was the nature of I SPY gravity.
alone i came to beneath the wooden block
underpass. you told me later that you 
roller over & stabbed your side on 
a pencil. we yelled each other's
names across page after page until
finally reuniting under a colander
like the one mom used to strain the 
wagon wheel pasta & the shells for 
mac & cheese. you told me you didn't
like it-- you didn't like always having
to search for everything in the clutter.
we're older now & the I SPY books have spread
to our childhood bed rooms. when i visit
my parent's house i stumble into
both yours & mine. i don't ask you to
come with me. god cut-out pages
of I SPY books & taped them to the door frames.
tear paper. tear walls. i'm looking for
my teeth in all this mess. you don't
follow me. a folded note on line paper.
a key to a rubble-house. a desk
lamp without a bulb. I SPY a shadow
box with nothing inside. i wish i knew
where those books were. i want to 
build the house of dried corn kernels 
& loose string. you fold your own door
like a paper football-- flick it into 
the tangle. if we hold hands when we
sleep, will gravity still scatter us
like thimbles?