10/24

my heart

i go looking
for my heart at
the antique markets--
on beach towels &
folding
tables-- 
how much
for this crystal 
punch bowl complete
with a ladle &
twelve little chalices?
i could use
the big spoon 
to scoop
cold morning
air out of
my skeleton--
pour breathe--
a miscarried cloud--
dad comes with--
we always go 
antiquing together--
we're both rebuilding
our anatomies 
& the heater in my
father's jeep 
is a match stick--
wrap your 
hands around
it-- let fire spread--
lick threads of
your mittens
through to your skin--
your skin is a 
strip of flint--
my heart
this bold match stick
flame--
this frigid fall
morning--
let's page through
collector's 
stamp binders--
mail letters while
they're not looking--
i'll mail mine to
you to let you know
that by the end of
the day i will
hope to have 
found it-- 
my heart that
is-- i keep seeing
it everywhere
& i haven't had the nerve
to strike
a deal for it yet--
it's a lopsided rocking
horse-- an old 
Creature 
of the Black Lagoon
poster--
it's everywhere--
held in the eyes 
of another pile of beanie
babies-- 
it's black & glossy 
& lonely &
certainly not one-of-kind--
whose grandmother's
fur coat was this?
whose purple heart medal?
whose red-handled 
egg beater?
these are so so
many hearts--
so so many shared 
bones laid out
on blankets--
here you see there
are my femurs--
my pelvis which is
also a tasseled
lampshade--
a wilted record player
singing an elvis song--
the king's voice
etched to life
from the rotation
of the turn table--
the rotation
of the earth--
i'm trying to 
put myself 
together here--
frankenstein's boy
here with \
golf club legs 
i will call you when
i'm done-- when i've
found all the fragments--
when i lay back 
in the crystal punch
bowl & shift
my fingers
through
state 
quarters in
the hopes i will
find my heart there--
waiting to be
tucked back
into my pocket--
it has a habit
of slipping away
& turning
round & round
the king's voice
burning
love like
a match struck 
against my skin

 

an apology

this is an  apology
for the way  
i've been  missing
you-- for the way this
morning was both my
windowsill & a front door
& how i keep drifting
back to your body--
your smile dangling
a comma on a comma on 
a comma--
i became a poet
so  that i  didn't have
to know what commas were
really used for--
i  use them to run on--
run  on
i want to be a run-on
sentence with you--
i don't want to use punctuation--
i want to hold you like
the arms of an  ampersand--
entangled in itself turning
around & saying 
& & & &
tomorrow  i will  wake up
with so many poems 
to ignore writing--
they swarm-- wasps 
at my window-- their
slender black &  yellow
bodies-- they tell
me that a poet is
so clumsy to fall for 
someone-- as mundane
as another red  oak 
leaf-- oh look
there he goes-- another
poet dropping from
the tree unnoticed --
he'll probably write a poem
about it won't he?
he'll probably come his
feeling for 
you to something like 
an orchid or 
an august night--
this is now become an apology
for writing you another
poem--i hope
you  like it
this apology for
not being able to 
stop thinking about how
every time you speak
you send ripplies
through me--
i can  be your
little tide pool
full of sand-dollars
& shells &
word echo waves--
i wonder how
many poems you'll find 
yourself in  here with
me--
oh catch me--
while
as many times
as you want
i'll fall slow for you--
a red oak
october rain &
so loud with
missing you


 

10/23

radio ocean 

my green volvo
has a mouth 
hungry for salt water--
pound wave on 
shoreline 
& driveway--

oh radio ocean--
oh chord rapant
rip-tide--
songs ambling
in each hallway 
of my body--

i keep fish hooks
in the glove box--
the hopes of snagging 
a voice like yours--

disentangle melody from
wave thicket & water--
smack tide rising
tide against my
bed room window--

how did the ocean
fill up with so much
song &
how did i witness
it?

here alone
in my green volvo 
waiting to wash up
on a beach--
have tourists 
inspect me like
a humpback whale--
dry-mouthed & clamoring
for a deeper & deeper
ocean

in case i wake up
as someone else
tomorrow
i wanted to tell
you: 
of all
this ocean of
sound
i think of your
voice like
a room 

a room 
i want to go
back to 
& draw the
blinds & lay on
the bed--
all encompassed--

considering
the ceiling-- i'll
saunter
polyphonic boned

i'll float--
pull clouds down
& make a raft--

i listened to
that song you
told me i might
like & i tried 
to like it all
on my own
but i couldn't
help but 
find you

guitar glint &
drum beating
back-door-- beating
from the inside
of my trunk

i close my eyes 
& hope to wake
up again 
in this body

in a radio ocean
where on occasion
your voice 
can be a room
i lay awake in





 

10/22

electroshock therapy &
the minotaur that follows you home

they would 
have known
me as a lightning 
rod-- what kind of
god holds thunder
in jars 
on the shelf--
has the will to inflict 
the sky?
oh doctor doctor
what kind of 
cure do you have 
for the labyrinths
carved in skulls
by my foot steps
through this city 
where 
the alleys always
lead to the ocean--
what kind of 
minotaur do you have
to let loose after me--
stalking
every shadow full of
static--
maybe a hundred years
ago i would have been
a patient of electroshock 
therapy
for any 
number of reasons--
1. the homosexual-- 
confused
about the script of a body 
2. the bisexual-- 
ill-formed--
indecisive-- a catalyst for
love
3. the neurotic-- 
mouth full 
of none-sense 
words-- 
he sees the minotaur
4. when the lobotomy wasn't 
enough 
5. he knows the minotaur
by name-- calls to
him when he thinks 
he's alone--
6. he holds the sky
too close to himself
before sleeping
7. he believes in
flight-- the type only
angels make
8. he gets lost
in places he doesn't know
entirely on purpose--
9. at night
he likes to pretend there
is no one else left on
earth but him
10. the transgender--
they say he was born in
the body of a girl--
he says he was born
in a body that
will always keep
minotaurs--
what kind of lost 
are you today?
what kind of electricity  
in left under your skin
from the last time
i touched you?
we telephone wires--
we street light flicker--
we patients 
of lightning--
what kind of god
was it who told
you there was thunder
in your skulls--
the minotaur
the minotaur
follows me
home

These bodies weren’t made for poems

These bodies weren’t made for poems

 

These bodies weren’t made for

poems—i say as you open

me—a page turn—

fold—crease this body

let’s come back to this—

let’s keep

book marks—

each other’s skeletons

written napkins—

back pockets full of

left turns—

these bodies weren’t

made for poems—

these bodies were made

for your mouth on my neck—

i met you & you found

page numbers on my

hips—

pearls under my tongue—

strum my throat—

& i will reverberate—

you reverberate in me—

& the walls know your name—

they tease me—they tell

me your body was a shadow

i cannot keep—

your body was a handful of

words

only written

against a silent sliver of

moon—there was no

part of us to be contained—

ceiling grew feathers—

coughed clouds—

skin to skin to skin

to binding of a book

i call my spine—

forgive me now for

keeping your shadow—

for pulling out handfuls

stars like blue berries—

for eating the whole moon

a sour grapefruit—

this is all because my skin

has a haphazard halo—

a glow—

your finger prints &

i’m adrift

in them like

labyrinths— these bodies

these bodies

oh your body

was not made to fit

in a poem—

 

 

 

10/21

empty phone calls from God &
fly-away page #s

what do you
think when you answer
an empty phone?
a resounding &
unsettling silence 
echoing in the receiver--
do you blame yourself?
do you blame yourself 
for vacancy
& for the books
you open who lose 
their page #s--
each flying
away--
flip each sheet
of paper--
#s swarming
like gnats--
words buzzing 
louder & louder
shut the book
& place it back
on the shelf--
oh & the #s
will haunt you
& your fresh fruit
on the top of
the fridge--
the brown spotted banana 
& the crater-faced
apple 
the phone will ring
& you will 
sprint up from where
you were sitting 
& you will answer 
into a void--
the resonance of
your own silence--
you will ask--
hello
hello hello
is anyone there?
is it god calling
us & leaving
us to listen to 
our own bareness--
he sits there at his great 
big wooden desk--
musty phone book 
without page #s
he turns & turns--
unable to sleep as
he squeezes the sun
in his hand like a stress
ball-- crushing orbit--
clutching
fire-- so soft
in his palms--
he finds my #
purely on a whim 
& dials--
my phone vibrates on
my desk--
it's 11:27 a.m.
& i'm sitting
there trying
to think of
something to write about
other than a boundless
love for the moon--
my books have lost 
their pages #s
& whenever i catch one
wondering across my wall
i grab it & 
seal it in an empty
mason jar in the hopes
of teaching them how
to wear themselves
in a book again 
--on the phone
i ask again
hello
hello hello?
is anyone there?
but i already know
that on the other
line sits
the voice of god-- 
abandoned 
& uninhabited 
i let him 
hang up 
how will you come
back to me without
a page #?

10/20

bridge jumper

beam
after beam--
i build a bridge
between today
& tomorrow-- 
ankles 
in river water--
i drop from 
windowsill--
a potted 
bonsai tree-- roots
making fists--
arms wistful
for height--
when i turn a page
i turn with my 
whole body-- turn
my head into a windmill
& rush wild & 
jumping & falling--
because there's no
such thing as jumping
without falling--
i'll confess to 
you i have been waiting
in this airport
each night
& pretending 
i'm here to say 
goodbye to someone
who i've always loved
but never properly 
kissed-- she-
he
they 
get on the plane--
they don't turn
to glance back at me--
i'm waiting
to be remembered by 
them-- 
in the mean time i look
up at the tall 
airport ceiling-- 
i imagine
that the woman's voice
on the intercom
is the course voice of
god telling us to get
ready to board 
at gate 19--
she is a funny god
of radio tongue &
goodbyes broken
on kitchen floors--
she blows planes
into the air 
like dandelion 
fluff-- haphazard 
& untamable--
she grows our wings 
at the feet
of bonsai trees--
if i stay here 
in this airport
no one will ever guess
that i don't know where
i'm going--
i can lilt between gates--
adrift-- falling--
jumping 
again & again
from this bridge i build--
this bridge of
sand & knee-bones--
of sleep-less bodies
& moon-empty sky
fall--no--
plummet into 
sunrise with me
you'll watch me
in this airport
& see a
boy-girl?
pausing on a bench--
anticipating 
a pair of wings--
a flight 
not to get on but
to watch taking off--
i want someone to
take off with me--
to jump & not land--
when i was six i used
to worry that if i fell
off at the top of
the swing
that i would just keep
going & going--
the edge of
each day is a night
paved with stars--
a runway--
the voice of god
is full of gravel--
catch me
in a palm full
of stones--
ankles in river water--

 

10/19

this kind of flying

this kind of flying
is performed 
by the clip-winged 
love bird--
this kind of flying
is caught by
the butterfly
nets of angels--fishing
for our souls
in the clouds--

when i die i want
to leave my body in 
a library--
on a shelf full
of books no one
has checked out for years--
save me there 
in the flyleaf pages--
yellowing
from the faint
hush of sun in the window--

when i couldn't sleep
my father filled a beer
bottle
with stars just for me--
he dismantled constellations--
he taught the moon
to swarm me
like a cloud of gnats--

this type of flying is
achieved slowly 
& then all at once--

this kind of flying 
lifts your bed frame
from the earth--
soars above
a city you've never
been to--
Paris-- San Francisco--
Seattle--
Atlanta--
you mistake the lights for
stars--
mistake the people
for
angels searching for
their wings by
street light--

night rains &
you mistake the rain
for the melting
of the solar system
above you--

above you around you--
this kind of flying 
sold it's wings for
a jar of quarters
to bury 
in the backyard
beneath
the evergreen tree--

this kind of flying
is a kind of falling
a kind of falling faster
& faster 
until 
you hit the water--
land in atlanic ocean 
next to the fragments of
space shuttles before
you 

this kind of flying
tells you to step
out of you body--
leave it
home to sleep

feel the breathe
of wind in the
turn of white pages--
number your hips 
so they know where
to find you--

write the 
index on the back--
they'll find
your dog ear-ed 
pages-- they
know what words you
hold closest to you

they know what words
you keep in 
your father's beer bottles--

teach a word to 
beam & hear it become
a star-- 

smack it's head on 
your lamp like a moth--

turn off the sun--
the moon-- open
your window--
let it fly off
on it's own 
to rhyme in someone
else's body 

this kind of flying
is a kind of falling--
your bed frame losing
its will 
somewhere above
the open ocean--

10/18

message in a bottle

laying here
i think about how
each night 
is a small
death--
i roll the memory &
place it carefully
in one of my father's
green beer bottles--
they wander aimlessly 
on the porch--
clatter on the pavement
when there's a gust of
wind
& this night 
shoreline
comes crashing at
the back
screen door again--
hinge whining open--
i drop what was left of
me lingering 
in this night--
send him off 
in the glass hull of 
his father's bottle--
i float face up--
drink salt water dreams
& god sitting 
at his desk writes draft
after draft of
my life-- sending
them down as paper
airplanes to sink 
in the water--
i say to myself
that in the morning
i will wake up
in someone else's hands--
unfurling me--
reading me like a hymnal--
singing what's left of
me from the night before--
i'll tell you i had
a marvelous dream--
as vast as the water
lapping at the back 
porch--
love me like you
would a hinge--
take my wrists
like door knobs--
i'll tell you 
i had a marvelous
dream only i remember 
none of it--
you were there--
reading me--
my body 
as always
a message pulled
from a green 
beer bottle--
i had gone 
somewhere without
going
& when the ocean
is dry &
our bottles
smashed on the sidewalk--
we will wake up
abruptly
to the sensation
of sinking
in each other
& god with
his quill pen will
laugh &
neglect to write
us an ending
each night
each night 
a small small
death

 

10/17

paper machete moon

clumsy as i am--
i dropped the moon
from the sky &
it shattered on
red tile kitchen floor--
we'll be wearing
shoes in here for awhile--
come with me--
let's walk along
shoreline made
of broken green 
bear bottles--
the shards click
as the tide pulls in
& out like a great
loom weaving
us full of water--
hold my hand i
want to balance 
on the rocks-- i want 
to stand on
my tip-toes-- i can almost
reach the top
shelf
where our mother
set the moon-- 
gold rimmed & glistening
a halo--
the only saint 
i ever believed  
in was her--
my mother with a picture
book of the saints
in her lap--
tell me a story about
the girl who put the moon
back together--
a martyr without a head--
my father sweeps the
kitchen floor--
pulls a sliver of
glass out of my bare foot--
we drop ourselves 
from great heights--
here-- me & you--
let's make a paper machete
moon so the night sky
isn't so lonely
& the water isn't so misguided
without the weaver--
dip strips of newspaper
in the sea water--
i'll blow up
a birthday balloon
from the top drawer in
the kitchen-- we'll
make it like a piñata--
layer after layer of 
newsprint strips
oh listen to me--
don't read the headlines--
POLICE ARREST 5
TRUMP CALLS ASSAULT ALLEGATIONS FAKE
PLAGUE OUTBREAK IN MADAGASCAR 
ISIS MILITANTS SURRENDER TO KURDS 
i told you not to read
the headlines--
we're safe here
you know? we're safe here
while we make
this paper machete moon--
paint white over
the breaking news--
we've broken enough
today--
hold my waist while
i sit the new moon
up there to dry
in the heat of the stars--
god's little christmas
lights--
he doesn't have
the energy to 
take them down 
off his porch
so they linger
year-round 
sighing as they
watch their reflections
black ocean
sewing itself
into the sand--