how to tie a tie

1.
i googled it--
sitting at my desk chair
in my slightly wrinkled
dress shirt-- 

no socks or pants--

my bare thighs--

1.
out the window 
snow visited april

with it's fists bared--

1.
does your father hang
his ties on the door knob
of his closet?

2.
are you hanging there too?

2.
do you drape yourself
on his shoulders
in the hopes
that he'll tie you

a sturdy knot

2.
i've never seen
my father
make the knot

2.
does he use a bathroom mirror?

watching himself--
black hair on his knuckles
his wedding ring 
patient on the lip 
of the sink--

does he run water
when he's nervous like me?

3.
ties just appear
on my father's neck 
at holidays--

3.
a life of their own--
they hiss & spit--

silk & polyester skin
shed on coat hangers--

paisley tongues flicking shadow--

4.
will they leave teeth marks?

fangs 

human incisors
hole punched along my neck--

4.
have you ever bit 
down on the back of your hand?

5.
in 5th grade we had
a "tie day" for spirit week
& i remember
my father taking out
a multi-color splatter-paint
tie from his closet

kneeling-- as if to knight me

adjusting the sides--

my shirt didn't have a collar
so the tie wrapped fingers 
around my neck--

we looked at each other
in the bathroom mirror-- 
ran fingers through
my short brown hair

6.
oh sun daughter
son daughter-- what kind
of mirrors will you 
need when this one
no longer holds you?

6.
there were always snakes on
animal planet 

i thought of the great big
constrictors

their bodies like fat udon noodles

tighter & tighter each time
you breathe

7.
who taught my father?

7.
is it something innate?

a secondary sex characteristic 
chromosomally written--

knots in our blood

8.
i try the windsor knot

there's a diagram 
on a website called 
"the art of manliness"

i feel like art--

specifically
like a performance art piece

one you would see in a fuzzy
television at a gallery

9.
what does my body mean?

naked legs-- hair twitching
in the air from the fan 

9.
over under over under--

9.
i get it wrong a few times--

undo tangled tongue--

10.
i don't believe 
in men

10.
i don't believe in
men but my father has
course thick hands

10.
when i finally tie it
right i'm in the bathroom
mirror-- 

all of me-- fingers on glass

11.
does anyone every escape
the tightening of
the constrictors scaled body?

11.
i'm eleven years old again

checking for teeth marks

11.
my father is my same height
for once-- 

balancing his tie on his shoulders

11.
i watch him 

over under over under 

pulled to his neck