cougar

we were careful not to travel
to class alone: claw click
on linoleum:  florescent flick
light through long hallway
towards the science wing. 
a low growl rattling throat.
cougars are now endangered
but not in the high school building:
there they paced: on the roof:
in the bathroom: lapping water
from the sink: stretching out
in the corner of the kiln room 
where the cougars 
ate four students: last fall:
their bones:
used for sculpture class:
it's best to make something:
of misfortune: at lunch 
i told a secret aloud that 
i wanted to meet one 
of the cougars: face to face:
alone with no one else: 
see if a cougar would devour me:
everyone else left the table: 
fearful that being close to me was 
asking for danger: i tore
crusts from my cheese sandwich:
dangled them out in front of me:
making cat-calling noises:
hoping to coax one out of 
a janitor closet or down 
from the ceiling: none came:
i left the scraps of food 
on the floor: went alone
to the bathroom: to the big stall
where i'd go to be alone: 
it took me awhile to notice
the big cat: sprawled out
on the window sill:
tail moving like a charmed snake:
i told the cougar i wanted
them to eat me: but the creature
averted their eyes: pretending
not to see me: i said
"really it's okay, i need this,"
but that only made it get up:
paws to tile: the massiveness:
put its pink tongue in the sink:
opened mouth to yawn:
i wanted to say more:
to say that i loved the cougar:
that i was sorry they're going
extinct: the i hope one day
they'd decide to eat me:
bone for the art students:
make me into a chair:
a wind chime: 
i'd like to be a cougar 
some life: if there's any
left by then:
thick fur:
glossy eyes: 
perched at the end 
of a: hall

green

the eye of a humpback whale:
a plum in my hand: rolls down
the hallway: barefoot me: 
following the fruit to the living room
where a whole whale carcass
lays: belly up to the ceiling: 

i read last week: they found
a humpback whale in the depths 
of a mangrove forest: tried
to list the reasons that could:
happen: probably got lost:
in the mouth of the amazon river:
blue artery: did the whale notice:
the color green:

look up from the water: see vine:
leaf: tree: the soil animals:
fearing that this was: finally god:
running from him: because that
is all that can be done: when you 
see massiveness: the spilling
of river onto ground: belly up:
flukes asking to become legs:
what limb will you use: if 
it comes to this: i will use 
my tailbone to grow a tail back:

the whale in my house: like
the one in the forest: has gone:
soft porcelain: days of: our air:
gnawing at skin: i put its: eye 
back into the socket: but its stare:
is long: blank: full of green:
dead: i ask it to be: not dead:
but that never works: i tell whale: 

my bed room in my parent's
house was a mangrove forest:
some nights: i counted green: 
i took out my eyes: held them 
as plums: rolled them up: down
the hall: woke my brother up:
made him look at how big: i was:

the roots jutting out of carpet:
took my body to the floor: belly up:
flukes prone: a wet crucifix:
jesus fish symbols: swimming 
like minnows in the trees: 
pull green blanket: over the whale:
get beneath: 

give me dirt

you blew on my face till
all the hairs of my dandelion beard
came flying off: each parachute seed
planting himself in the dry grass lawn:
a crop of small boys growing: gold weed boys:
saw-tooth leaf boys: boasting about
their fathers: each saying: mine is bigger:
mine is bigger: i don't tell them
i'm all their fathers because: i like to
see them arguing: builds character:
they think it might: make them taller: 
they imagine turning: from weed to tree: 
that's not how this works: they look:
at each others: dress shoes in the soil:
each lace's leather roots: dug into earth:
i remember pulling weeds out from the church
garden by their necks: my own father's:
green garden gloves: the feet of each weed
dangling as we ripped them from
beneath a bush: of lamb's ear: pick
one man from the whole bunch: how many:
children's feet: baby shoes as planters:
i could fill every inch of the house: with
tiny: match box: beds: for all the small men:
all my fault for letting hair: crop up
on my face: where all weeds come from:
you don't have to know about this: i tell myself:
as i get on my knees: in front of: all the men:
they don't recognize me: they come over:
touch my smooth bare face: i don't tell
them: this is where you came from:
but maybe they know: i tell them i have
no home for them: their shoes get bigger:
the size of my dad's shoes: great size 13s:
pushing up grass: dirt: calm down men: calm:
i don't have enough: soil in my chest:
for all those shoes: for all the learning
how to tie a tie: for all the yellow clamor:
pick the seeds off strawberries: to feed them:
i don't tell you: i'd be embarrassed: plus
i like when you blow: all the hair off my face:
you don't need to know: i'm full of growing:
i try to keep the seeds inside: under tongue:
in freckle: in skin: each screaming:
father: father: father: give me dirt 

how big


you say you've never killed

an animal/ i say me too

but then you remember 

the fish/ two fingers

slid underneath gills

you put two fingers

against my neck/ looking

for the wet/ slits in me

you weren't going to be

in this/ poem but here you are

telling me that you only felt

bad about killing/ the larger insects/

is it something about 

the size/ of other animals

that makes them seem really

alive?/ here i am 

on the side of a highway 

near home/ telling a dear

to get up/ legs bent/

like plastic/ straws/

the sun puts its mouth

on each limb/ to drink/

eyes staring up/ at me/

little wells that go all/ the way 

down into the soil/ 

i didn't hit the deer/

but i might have on a different

afternoon/ in a different car.

then remember all/ 

the cows that made up

the cheeseburgers/ i ate

everyday at the pool/ in the summer/

i just mean the largeness 

of them/ all the cows in

their/ full bodies crouched/

in the freezer playing/

hide and go seek/ 

i help them out/ one by one/

sneak them across a few/ years

to where i live now/ my tiny yard/

walk one out/ at a time/

to feed them/ i say 

they will be safe with me/

all twelve cows/ no one

will eat them/ unless 

i fall asleep hungry/

find twelve burgers 

laying/ in the grass/

i should have/ taken better care/

this is no place/ for farm

there are too many animals

i leave my farm/ in a parking space

what does this have/ 

to do with your large insects?

there are moths the size of birds

slaughter/ synonym for finger/

you stick your finger/ in my thigh

of coiled pink ground beef/

there are/ too many cows/ inside me

how big is too alive/

for me to kill by myself?

maybe the size of a fist/

holding my hand up it

turns into a mouse/

suck in a glue trap/

farm trap/

pull the mouse out/ 

saying

go/ run away/

up

man up
man out
man down down down 
man up 
not up like sky
but up like roof 
like standing on the shingles
like steps i hear: up there pacing
like telling the man on the roof to get down
like he wants to see how up he can get 
he shouts up himself
his legs growing wild like sunflower necks
a skyscraper ups right out of his chest
all those building windows 
there's a man inside 
each of them
all of the men trying to get more up
staring up at the ceiling
as if to bore a passage up up up 
i want to ask him what
he'll do with all the up 
once he gets there
what color his up is
what smell 
what flowers it grows
no one thinks about up like that though 
they just want to claw at it 
like leaves trying to slap their hands
against the sun
i tell them in a gentle voice
that they need to take it off
take all that man off
throw down their man 
man down beneath a rolling pin
down like asphalt 
down like shoe soles  
i take my own man off 
to show them how 
held above my head
it tingles 
to have a breath from gender
for a second
so warm wool gritty 
they go up though 
they go so up up
christmas ornaments 
above the city dangling 
drying sunflower faces 
yellow withering gender
man down down 
their petals 
drip into my open hands
i lay in the yard
i man out 
like grass 

hang

hook: hum::
all the clothing: in my closet
pulled towards: 
the ground:
each rain drop 
on a string: nothing
falling: just hanging:
walk between: beads::
i'm going to make: necklaces:
for all the girls who:
haven't: happened yet:
soft glass: clink 
of bead: on bead::
cut them free: turn water
again: sweet peas: green
full of April::
the sky: skull full:
of earrings: i'm piercing
the: notion of girl::
she says i should: come back:
can rain: fall: again: 
someday::
or not: cut each drop:
down: individually:
kernels of corn:
have i told you: i grew
up on a farm::
a rain:: farm
tossing seeds into: the air
sewing:: cloud
slap: the side: of a nimbus::
tell her: she's: doing
so well: 
chew glass:
i hope:: you're one
of the ones who:
gets wet::
soaking: emerald: girls: 
i'm a::
boy: girl: person
with: pruning shears:
come:: to snap:
off the: dead drops:
all me: just me:
ambling: going:
snip: snip:
clothes hanging:
in my: closet:
rain:: hanging 
in my: closet
water: hanging:
under: my: tongue
sat::turate
sponge: ring

!!!

"everything on the menu"
thank! you!
yes!
i say 
bring me!! plate
by plate
because i'm american! 
i'm thinking! of the diner!
in my hometown! 
everyone! has a diner
hometown! 
a clatter! of white
heavy plates:
faces to pile!
with egg! ooze!! 
toast triangles 
square packets! of grape jelly!! 
see it all piled!! 
around me
a booth seat!
tear! in the red! cushion
the window! with guests 
peering in!
i'm not!! eating! any of it
just need to watch!
index! finger! pointing!
count every single!
egg to make sure! none
are missing!
yellow chicken! souls!
scrapple! 
bacon! 
ham!!
don't eat meat!!
just watch! asking 
each to turn! back 
into an animal!!
pigs! standing on the table!!
ordering more!!! coffee
bottomless! coffee!
pouring from! a cup!
in the ceiling!
need take out boxes!!!
take everything home!
!but not! before gazing!!
glisten! hash!brown!
crackle spam!!
pucker! pancake!!
melt!!!
-ing!! butter!
eye eating!
praising!
just! me!
all just me!
fork! in! mouth!
all mine!!!

i want to keep my dust

cultivate book shelf foreheads
a whole house 
just for dust
the door with hinges on both sides
no knob
there's no room for anyone else
in my dust
just fingers drawings 
tally marks
count days in the dust
count weeks in the dust 
count hours in the dust
watch the dust grow like
a pond of flurries
the muck 
the green
count flecks of skin
count flecks of planets,
there's Mars in the dust
sometimes Saturn 
often dead stars
dip in to taste a pinkie-full
no dryer lint 
but the smell of hair
whose hair?
i'm not letting anyone see this
these are my textures 
to caress    
cull for sounds
this is what i will use
my family's old house for
when they've all given
themselves to dust
falling onto the kitchen floor
as dust shadows
the outline of a body in dust
never clean 
any of this up
i want the dust to grow
so loud 
scoop up in hands 
wild throwing back into the air
inhale the dust
live inside one lung 
with dust for a carpet
exquisite dust
delicious dust 
holy dust 
a pouch of dust
where the old skin 
tries to make an old body
dust is rouge
wants to have legs
wants to taste like soft pretzels
no one else can come here
there's just no room 
i'm here to calm the dust
tells tall tales
until all my dust
lays down 
so i can leave
barefoot prints 

i'll prey for you

touching smooth slime skins
touching yellow red orange
we lived in great water
like salamanders
inflatable bodies 
fuse on the neck 
where all the air 
comes out
i brought the smaller animals 
to the rocks
rats bats chewing gum mammals
taught them to sit still
before we're ready 
for mass
only Catholics say mass 
i'll prey for you
i'll stay for you 
on the water peering
out at the world 
like a hippopotamus
how many syllables
in that word? 
i want my name to have
that girth
shake earth 
shake food chains 
like maracas or
rain sticks
all the edible animals 
that means all the animals 
how do you eat 
an elephant 
one mouse at a time
we float 
i love the hands 
of salamanders
they remind me of
my brother's baby fingers 
curled around my pinky
edible brother 
soft like pink chewing gum 
stick him to 
the bottom of the table
we forgot about
the water
the wading the shark
not sharks
the one big shark 
moving beneath it all
that one is god or maybe
just a priest
see the fin in the distance
say i won't prey 
i won't prey 
not me
sometimes send him 
another direction 
red orange yellow  
all in the pool together
i ask my brother if he remembers
when we ate him
he shakes 
his head

hydrangea  

he puts his nose to my ear
smells the April in me,
the May making purple
pink blue 
i tell him that he's
caught me
get the trow
distrust the science
of brains
my family grown hydrangeas
in our skulls
we eat dirt for the roots
drink water but never too much 
drowned so many 
good flowers that way
water gushing from 
noses water making
mush soil 
count the petals
all afternoon 
assigned female at birth 
assigned fragrance at birth
assigned floral at birth 
we knew grandmom 
was gone when she started
smelling like wet leaves 
blue roots crawling under 
her hands 
i see mine there too
only they're not
as angry yet
he's not the first 
boy to notice
doesn't ask 
just stares 
into my open mouth
admires the garden 
plans a bench behind
my eyes so he can
watch my life unfold
stained glass iris 
he doesn't like
girls which is good 
because i'm not a girl 
which is good because
his trow is covered
in dirt
which is good because
i want him 
to dig
i lower my head like
i'm going to be 
blessed or knighted
my mother told me
that my great great
grandmother planted 
the first hydrangea
i curse her softly
why me
he smells like hot rain
scoops the earth
he loves it
i say 
deeper 
he says 
petals
i say 
ignore them 
he says 
how could i?