cutting my own hair on a sunday afternoon 

i flick the clippers on 
& they shutter-- jittering
the bones of my hand--
this shivering femur 
this quivering species--
as if they were a small mammal 
designed to browse our skulls
& eat the hair off of them.
it's strange to be holding clippers
myself after all the times
someone else has guided them
over my head.
i'm back maybe 
six years ago standing at the oval mirror
on my uncle's side of the house
he's saying "look down" 
& "tilt your head
this way." the buzzing
combines with the sound 
of horse hooves clopping
up our street toward the meeting house.
must have been a sunday.
today is also a sunday but 
i keep forgetting it is.
i mouth to myself in the mirror 
it is sunday.
i have no calendars pinned 
to the back of a door-- i have 
no wrist or watch & no one
else is home to ask if it 
really is sunday.
it is sunday.
there's something original 
about dark brown hair falling 
into a white sink-- like it might
have been an action
god performed on us
& we all forgot. i pause between
swipes of clipping to 
rub the clumps of hair 
between my fingers.
it's thick & seems like
the hair of a woodland animal. 
i picture a raccoon 
curled around my head.
i look in the mirror &
i've only cut three patches--
each distinct 
little territories.
i touch 
kiwi fruit skin 
or maybe the fresh cut lawn 
when the grass was all yellow
& dry in july.
short-- a familiar texture.
i have been shaving the sides
of my head down this short 
for years but it always feels
loud like this 
when its fresh cut.
i have a few beats
where i wonder if i can 
actually shave the rest.
i want to ask someone to help,
not because i can't do it but
maybe because i don't want to 
alone. i don't consider this
hugely symbolic, i'm always a 
lonely person whether there
are people at home or not.
no one else even knows
i'm doing this. the impulse
to cut my hair is unpredictable,
but immediate & demanding.
still, i can't cut more while
i'm thinking about 
what it feels like
to have someone put their
hands on your skull
& guide a blade across.