if you find yourself to be an unreliable narrator

i like to sleep in;
i like to get up early.
i'm 800 years old today 
& this is my birthday yes 
because every single tuesday 
is my birthday & i'm in charge 
of tuesdays now they're mine.
i take this tuesday & roll 
it out flat like a pie crust
& fill it with peeled apples/sugar.
to day is a pie. today is tart 
without a cup of sugar. i eat 
just sugar from bowls sometimes 
& i like to feel the grains 
in my teeth--they remind me 
that teeth are bones & 
bones can thin & disappear.
once all the bones in my body 
disappeared so i had to replace them 
with plastic forks & spoons & knives.
my clavicles are spoons & so are
my knuckles. there is a perpetual need
to scoop up everything. i steal 
utensils from restaurants. i steal glasses
& plates & especially salt shakers 
but not before throwing a handful of salt
over my shoulder for better luck. 
it doesn't rain where i'm from.
my neighbors ate only vegetables
they grew in pots outside their front door--
so many tomatoes. 
i had no neighbors actually-- the house
perched in the middle of true no where.
i love no where not to be confused with
nobody. nobody is everyone really 
but i think some people are terribly important.
i passed a man on the street with 
a sequin fedora. he must have been 
one of those people. if i cut all 
the fingers off my gloves maybe 
my fingers will all follow. 
i drink coffee black. i actually drink
coffee with two splenda. splenda because
i like the way yellow tastes better than 
pink or blue or green. sometimes sugar 
looks blue to me. maybe i mean green.
sugar is actually just snow that 
got too caught up in nostalgia. 
i might be a lump of sugar.
i love my dog more than myself.
i love the cross walk sign more than myself.
i love measuring cups & small spoons more than myself.
if i could be anywhere right now
i would probably be asleep. i want to be be dead 
most of the time but not actually dead--
the death i want involves be still 
being able to think in the wonderful 
dark quiet of a coffin. i can't commit
to something like death so don't worry 
about me. i can't even commit to 
eating a whole watermelon. 
i probably could. i love watermelon,
all fruit really, more than myself.