blocked number(s)

he is trying to be a walnut in my head again.
i see him in diner menus & take out boxes 
& headless trees. once, i met someone who wasn't haunted.
that was how i knew i was still living in a maze.
i look at my blocked numbers & i see he has tried
to embed a message in the numbers. numerology says,
"there was a before & then there was an after."
i wish i was talking about just one boy. it could be
any of them or the one that nests instead of me. 
i think gender is really just about who swallowed who 
inside your chest. i have a snake with a belly full of men. 
sometimes i unblock his number. stay up all night to look at it.