stunt double

won't you pretend to be me
& go into the fire? tell them it was busy
in a glass dungeon of microwave lullabies
& feeder fish. or else promise them
you are me & your voice was just
tossed into a blender. we all need
another face we can send to do 
all the midnight carrier pigeon 
kind of business. i once walked 
miles to reach a gas station. my hands were
bombs i needed to diffuse. i called
my father & my father did not pick up.
instead, a whale answered & said,
"this is not the ocean." sometimes i want to believe
the only person i can count on is myself.
so much easier this way. then i'm here
cloning the problem. a room of me.
you jump off the cliff & you cancel
the dentist appointment & you call my father
again & beg him to teach me
anything he knows about carrying 
the water. manhood is a place we go 
to stave off a good wild crying. my stunt double
is one lunch break. my stunt double is falling
in love with the person i'm supposed to.
i am hunting my stunt double
& pleading for a hammer & nail life.
held into place. this is not a doorway 
this is a mouth of a great & beautiful monster.
slaying the dragon with my stunt double.
she cuts off its head & gives it to me.
why is he everything i am not? 
the lighter in a power outage. the one
who locks the doors at night.
here i am, with a telephone in my hand
thinking there is a father out there
who knows how to save a creature like me. 
his stunt double picks up & tells me,
"i love you so much but i do not know
how to know you." i thank his stunt double
& briefly i pretend it is really him & briefly
i am not sure if i am really the who 
one is talking or if i doubled 
in the darkness of all my aching. 
a little terrarium to keep myself in.
it eats peanut butter & sings
while i wait to need it again.