one-sided conversations with the cicadas outside my parent's house

i don't want to be a girl anymore.
i know i'm already not 
but at night when all i can think about
is my faults i feel myself 
becoming a hair tie. i kiss toads
& hope they turn into black birds.
instead of crying i build a waterfall
inside my chest & i take you on a tour there.
please understand i have never once
said "no" & meant it.
there are planets with teeth just like mine
crooked as headstones. i want to sleep 
like you. i want to know what it's like
to turn off the world. press my body
into the dirt & hear nothing but
the shudders of the world.
i wake up & my body is coming apart.
i don't sleep. i burn my hand on the stove.
make pirogues in the morning 
& cry trying to eat. my elbows 
have rashes. i want so badly to be a girl.
i don't want my shoe horn life or else
i do & it is terrifying. the streets fill
with telescopes. i run to you. try to 
become you. i hold my self like thorned stem.
cut the head off again. promise me
you love me. promise me you just
as i am. teach me how to scream 
like you do. i want to scream so loudly
all my skin becomes a species.
bird or bat. eating mosquitos until i'm skin.
my blood has shoe laces. a ripe midnight.
split yourself open for me. because i cannot.
because i crave to slip my whole body
from my skeleton & leave a little statue behind.