how to breathe

there were years where
i hid having only gills.
i didn't want anyone
to see me gasping
in a jar of water.
i think it started in middle school.
the water there tasted
like aluminum foil
& the color green. i never have been
a great swimmer. my gills though,
i loved them so much.
frills pleated into 
my face. i took pictures
of them that only i would
ever see. sometimes our bodies
know exactly what we need.
a dress without the world
attached. wind & leaves tripping
like eyelashes. i do not think
anyone every caught me.
though once, i was in the bathroom
& someone came in
to do the same. she plunged her head
beneath the faucet. gasped loud
& urgently. the kind of hunger
of someone who has not breathed
all day. i wanted to tell her,
"i feel that too." instead. i pulled away.
held my breath a little longer
& waited for her to be done.
she was so hungry
she didn't notice me.
eventually, i became an amphibian
like all people 
with a semi-functioning gender.
still, my lungs have always felt
like mismatched socks. 
i walk around & see a world
underwater. i wonder who
i would be there. clouds of fish.
eel ribbons. my mouth, a tear between
the sun & the deep.