after the album "plans"

we went to the auction 
& got the red velvet room. 
it was everything we hoped for.
we were falling apart. your hair 
turning into horses that ran
as far from us as they could.
when you are trying to stay in love
every window is a place to drown. 
i held my breath. bought so many rings.
i put the radio in my mouth
& hoped you'd come with me,
following the sound of a ripe guitar. 
we spent our nights sleeping
in pet stores. pointing to cages 
& saying, "he has your eyes."
the rats stared at us from behind glass.
some of them were feeder rats,
made to be eaten. some days
the marching band would come
& you would try to get me to go
out on the roof with you. 
i never wanted to. it was so loud.
i caught you kissing a trumpet player.
he came inside & tracked mud 
on the ceiling. devoured all 
our honey bunches of oats. 
we stayed in a hotel only twice.
the first time we witnessed 
a man & a woman screaming
at each other in the parking lot.
"that will never be us," i told myself.
the next time, we didn't have
enough time. your skin was
made of flowers. i didn't care
if they were edible or not, i needed
to keep some for myself. plucked them
while you slept. i said, "just one more"
over & over until you were bare. 
you can start to believe that
it's all someone else's fault. the summer.
sweat on a can of diet pepsi 
from the corner store with the man
always on the phone with god.
i missed you so much 
while you were still right there.