bat in the sacristy

it was late summer when we found her.
the priest had called early in the morning.
my father, a kind of make-shift grounds keeper
for the church.
he brought me with in the blue jeep, top off. 
our hair blew wild on the way over.
i was used to playing by limestone kiln
& the pavilions on the ridge
while my father planted flowers 
& pulled weeds at the feet of a mary statue.
sun cracked open & spread across corn fields.
i do not remember the priest ever smiling.
he was a quiet man. when we got there though he
was frantic. he waved my father over
& whispered to him. i waited in the vestibule.
ran my finger across the wooden poor box 
while the two of them disappeared
into the sacristy. i was an altar boy-girl
so i knew that place well. the drawers of candles
& the closet of robes. each year i went
a size up, working my way
to the back of the flock. i still believed
in god i think. i know at least that 
i still prayed sometimes. it is hard
to trace an exact moment when you 
bury a spoon. there had been
a bat. a small soft creature. my father caught her
with his bare hands. he was never afraid
of getting bit. i had watched him 
snag snakes & snapping turtles. 
this was no different. she did not make 
any noise. my father carried her our
the heavy doors of the church. i do not remember
what he did with her. i like to think
he let her go. i do not know if he did.
maybe she was sick & he laid her in the lamb's ear
for her to turn into weeds. maybe still
he carried her to the forest line & she 
found her way into the night there. 
however it happened, she was removed
& we piled back in the car to leave.
i wished desperately that dad had let me
hold her. i was convinced i could
have helped in a way he did not. 
a little god fallen from her house. 
at home i prayed a hail mary for the bat. 
dandelions grew. at some point we stopped
going to the church as much as we used to.
i wonder sometimes if my father stopped
believing in god too. i think that is
too grandiose. he doesn't think so definitively.
his hands around the lost bat
carrying her to the dark.