hormone deficiency

i tell my doctor that i don't want him
recording any more information about me
being trans. i think of a running bible of 
my body. what kinds of notes has he taken
over the years? did he note
when i first grew a full beard? did he record
the times i came in a dress & the times 
i did not. i look up diy hormones.
one website has a list of rituals.
go out to the forest & perform one & feel
nothing has changed. what level of belief
do you need for a gender ritual to take?
my doctor says he will write that i have a
"hormone deficiency" which i hate because
i am so sick of being described in deficits.
a lack of sturdy joints. a lack of gender.
a lack of neurotypicality. a lack of lungs. a lack
of girlhood. do not describe me in terms of 
that which i have never had. instead,
let's talk about gifts. the fast growth 
of my fingernails. the hairs on the tops of my feet.
my hormones, wild & amber. i picture them
like dinner plates moving in the dark.
i fill them with bones. i walk. pick up 
my one vial of t. draw it up 
in its little rocket ship & live.