she shells 

in the night i get afflicted with
a carapace. the suitcase in the brain.
we make the gnarled promises 
without any air. i build you a treehouse 
& somehow the ocean finds it. i have shells
from so many beaches but none 
that fit me anymore. sometimes i get bleak
& consider giving in to a scammer 
who is calling & asking for my social security.
i mean, don't we all deserve a win sometimes?
once my boyfriend (derogatory) & i drove
to centralia. its a city that is 
always burning. a few people live there
selling coal from the backs of their trucks.
he bought a piece for me & i put it in my mouth
when he wasn't looking. we can try all we want
but we cannot swallow what we've
gotten ourselves into. one of the coal had
pennies attached to it. now he's married (derogatory).
it takes strength to hold a grudge. i am not
into the saintly stuff anymore. forgiveness is for
the ocean, i am just a little creature trying
to be shiny & free. i go to new jersey with 
my new new new boyfriend. we are running out
of time to be honeymooning. soon we'll have
to be real. soon we'll have to start burning.
i find a really nice shell. i meany really really nice.
it's so nice i get a conspiracy in my head that
someone is stocking the beach with these
smooth treasures. i avoid googling it.
it is nice to avoid an answer every once 
in awhile. i fill my pockets. i fill my face.
we leave with bags of shells. i try each one on.
none of them fit but i keep them anyway.
you never know what your gender is 
going to end up doing. i might be a coal fire
burning one day. put on my last pair of heels.
the ones i used to make money with. 
call my ex-boyfriend & ask him,
"would you like to buy some shells?"
just so i can feast on his brief confusion.
revenge everything i've ever wanted it to be.
i run my thumb along the inside of the shell
where the animal used to sleep.