echo hunting

i have eaten my own tail more than once.
i set out with a butterfly net & my fingers.
broken mirrors just to wrack up the bad luck. 
the night is full of who i used to be. 
have you ever screamed into a hole
in the wall only for the scream to turn
into a lover? i have. there he was on the ceiling.
there he was asking, "are you still awake?"
everyone on grindr is echo hunting. everyone
at the corner store is echo hunting. everyone at
the park fountain has caught & echo once
just to let it scamper away. i don't spend
much time with my own reflection. i am not
self-hating (anymore) i am just aware that
there is a point of departure where the body
becomes a text & not the flesh that move me.
i watch a tiktok where the speaker says,
"some people will never know the relief
of finding out a mass shooter is not like them."
i scroll before i learn what she means.
the sun is a bead in the neck of someone else's 
constellation. i have succeeded only twice.
pinched my own tongue as i slipped away.
in my parent's house there is a bin of 
skins i shed as a kid. my mother refuses
to throw them away. she says, "what if you 
need them?" we get rid of too much. we don't
get rid of enough. i hum into a fist. 
hold the fist tight. if i don't let go that voice
will be all mine. when i let it go 
there is a button quail in my hand. 
the second time was the most harrowing.
i was a child running in a house of bones.
i rounded a corner & caught myself by accident.
there i was as tall as the ceiling with teeth made
of light switches. i did not run. i did not
even scream. into i turned all them one.
me, a little light pillar in the rib-heavy house.