mega church

at the mega church, everyone had 
bouncy-ball faces & nice teeth. my boyfriend loved
to worship a spectacle. i guess i cannot
blame him. isn't that we have always done?
my highschool boyfriend,
we'll call him hunger, church hopped
our last two years together. each visit
felt like an audition. a room of inspector faces.
they could not tell what kind of girl i was
& truthfully i could not tell them either. 
i longer believed in god, which was a relief.
this was something i did not tell hunger.
i always believed that the churches could smell it on me. 
my desire to be somewhere or someone else. 
hunger was always going to me in search of
truth. my body became a field. burst blood vessels.
an empty room. at the mega church 
the seats were movie theater. hunger devoured
all the sick words some preacher spat into the air. 
the room was huge. full of more people
than even went to my high school. i searched faces
for another person like me. someone who 
ended up in a sea of flashing tongues & halleluiah.
i am not convinced that i was alone but
i did not find anyone else. instead, all the eyes.
their pocket-watchness. on your first visit
they gave you a free donut. i did not touch
that glazed halo. instead, i wrapped it 
in a napkin while hunger at his. he held 
my hand & said, "we could get married here
& so many people would come." i managed
to not return but he did. i wonder if 
he ever stopped being hunger. if all the nights
without a single window were worth it. 
if there is a piece of me scattered in 
the stained-glass window of 
all those churches he took me to.