the cows

the cows came first to 
the field behind our house. 
they did not belong to anyone
& i would stand there at the edge
of our yard taking pictures.
i could not tell if they were
small or they were farther away
than they seemed. in the night
they always climbed on the roof
& sang. i often would sleepwalk
to join them. i only learned this
because the damn neighbor's teenager
took a video of me & posted it online. 
i was in my blue pajamas 
& the moon was a toil nail
in the sky. the cows were the size
of dogs. i bought hay & laid it out
around the yard in the hopes that
they would come here & that maybe
i could coax them inside
despite the protestations of my husband.
i needed them. i wanted them to live
inside here with us. the farm inside
the farm. i wish i knew what
made them shrink. day by day they got
smaller. looked farther away. 
their footfalls on the roof, softer.
i begged them. bought a megaphone
& tried to speak their language. 
of course, the neighbor kid recorded
all of this too. somewhere along the line
he joined me though. started trying
to lure the animals to us. i almost 
didn't hear them on the night they came.
a gentle knocking like a muffled
knuckle against the wood door. 
they were the size of matchbox cars.
a whole little herd of them. i wept. 
welcomed them. feed them sugar 
& apples. we took a warm bath together
& they told me about the smell
of the first rays of sun in the morning.
of course, they were on their way
to the next realm. the following day
the cows were the size of pills. i considered
what it would mean to swallow one.
if that would get me closer to a life
without as many horrors. i stopped myself.
instead, let the herd sleep against me. 
i felt them fade. drops of water gone back
to a big holy cloud. i wept & cows
came out. i tried to catch them
but just as quickly as they came,
they were gone. my husband held me
for days after. he would say, "we can get
a farm. we can do that." i always said
something dismissive. "of course" & "maybe."
i know though that that would change things.
we all need the idea of a place we will not go.
the sugar farm. the rain dessert. 
a mansion full of birds.