tour guide

i meet a tour guide in the middle 
of the night. she has eyes made of blackberries.
i pick them & the moon shrinks 
to the size of a dime. the dime does not have
a colonizer on it. instead, there are
abundant crows. the crows say, "never spend us."
my partner has been playing on the stock market. 
i don't believe there is a way out. he says,
"this is our savings." i have not been able
to save money for years. instead, i scramble
on all fours away from catastrophes. 
sometimes i understand why there are billboards.
other times i think, "the world could be anything,
why do we have this?" the tour guide 
is gentle. her eyes grow back. i do not tell
anyone else about her. it is not romantic.
it is divine. i want a god so bad. i want a savings
so bad. not the money but the ability to 
stand up & become another country. to kiss
the feet of mountains. there's a thin white lady
who makes fairly good yoga videos 
so i watch them. she travels the world. 
in one video she is on a mountain in peru
which i will probably never make it to. the tour guide
says, "the world holds you." i am trying
to believe that. there is a bird 
who visit me out my windows while i type 
hungers into little digital boxes. i imagine them
like shoe boxes in a huge mismanaged closet. 
the bird has a heart the size of one blackberry bead.
i bead her earrings. she does not come back.
i hope she tells stories about me. the tour guide 
tells me i could easily be a tour guide if 
i really wanted to. i don't know if i believe her.
when i open my mouth, needles spill out.
i sew myself into bad dreams. my partner invests
in bmw. invests in a medical company trying
to craft electronic lungs. the dime crows leave
to forage elsewhere. sometimes, on a moonless night,
i will hold the coin up just to hear the wind
blow through it.