bad history 

i used to be able to list all the presidents
of the united states.
we memorized it for 
ap us history class. my memory was not
in order. instead, it was 
a patchwork. dipping back & forth
until the march was complete.
the names became hopscotch squares.
pebbles cast into their mouths.
a man with hair like a dead bird.
another one with pickled eyes. set jaw.
dull skin & tombstone teeth. 
in the classroom their portraits 
looked down on us disapprovingly. 
high schoolers with lots of big ugly dreams. 
horrible men are almost never depicted 
with their hands where you can see them.
instead, they wiggle their fingers in the dark.
i lost my memory of the president's names
one by one. first the 1800s presidents 
& then on into the now. i do not forget 
what they did though. their wars & their hungers
& their genocides & their blazing white house.
when my grandmother
was dying they asked her often
if she knew who the president was
as a way to test how much she still remembered.
she always got it right up until
the last weeks. i hope to one day too
be emptied of their names. to say,
"i do not know but there is a valley 
full of bones to tend." when i was finished the list,
i would look at it & marvel at my work. 
the outline of a knife museum. & still somehow
none of them are dead.