sugar daddy 

i was trying really hard
to snag one that last year of college.
i lived alone & out the window
was always another boy.
i was doing all i could to stay
inside someone's mouth. rain & car windows.
the late spring heat, like a wet tongue across
my back. i used a few websites.
i can't remember how i pitched myself.
something like, "i'll be your
terrarium honey." none of them bit.
it is, for most of us, never enough
to just offer yourself. i didn't think
it would be easy. i imagined old men
& their pocketbook eyes. on grindr sometimes
guys in the 60s would hit me up & offer to host.
inside this one's house i told him i was
going to the bathroom when really
i had been starving. i took the last pear
from the fruit bowl & ate it wild,
licking the juice from my wrist. i learned to
always save the best parts for myself. 
that nectar is, for us, something to take.
i got one message months after i had
given up on becoming a baby. the man was
maybe  a spam bot or maybe a guy 
really interested. he said, "let me fly you out
to my teeth." he sent pictures of a house
with a sick green yard & a room he wanted
to keep me in. i actually got in the car to head
towards the airport but i ended up
in the parking lot of a target trying
to call my sibling. they didn't pick up.
i bought as much sugar as i could.
brown sugar & gummy sharks & agave.
i figured if i could get myself sweet enough i 
might stop looking for someone.
my teeth rung in the car like bells. 
i wept. summer was ruthless. hot asphalt 
& a broken ceiling. i can't remember
how i got home but the door was open.
the room was full of birds or was it men?
i wished it was just me. they watched my every move.
but they helped me eat the sugar so i
cannot be too mad about them coming uninvited. 
you can get so lonely you welcome 
an intruder. you can squeeze your gender
until all it wants is caramel. if i am being honest
there aren't any men who 
could have fed me enough.