when no one is looking

i sometimes call my father 
& hang up. i sometimes try to find
my ex's profile & hope he is unhappy.
i try to find my other ex's profile
& hope he is doing well. i turn into
a cicada & call out like the moon
might answer. i open a death place
& buy a horrible death object 
that will relieve a sense of urgency 
beneath my skin. i will take off my face
& wash it like a food bowl. i will
pick at my teeth. i wash my hands
down to the bone. i consider taking
a bath but in exchange i just sit down
in the shower. i pretend i am a rainforest.
god it would feel amazing to just have 
so many organs. to get to rain as much
as i needed. i drink a whole glass of water.
i turn on the bad tv & love it.
i pretend my house is bigger than it is
& that i have a camera crew i'm taking
on a tour. i get a piece of paper
just to tear apart. i open the windows
& let the geese fly in. i call my uncle
& he doesn't answer. i call my sibling &
she is at work. i am usually soft as
a bowl of pudding. i will notice
my shadow dislodged & have to try 
& track her down. i usually lure her back
with a bowl of milk. i will talk to myself.
i will talk to the birds. i will get close
to sharing the rock's language but 
never quite nail the fist-like tones. 
you will then come home & find me 
like a window candle. here i am with 
my little bright face. i am just as you left me.