padded room

i go to a drum place where
all my eyes can have cornholes.
please be gentle. this is my second
time trying to eat the cake. i have never
loved the way i was designed. instead,
i buy plastic forks. i have a birthday party
bounce house. the neighbors get married
in the rain & i am invite by virtue
of having windows. in the night, 
i tend to harvest pillows. the first time
i had a boy make a saddle of me,
we had to go to target & buy a pillow.
i carried a candle into his mouth. my car
filled with smoke. he did not love me 
& i was trying to force it. his cat was
really too big. we fired a cannon into
the bay. watermelon keep growing
past the season. inside each is a foal. 
i am broken seams. a turned-around
portrait. my aunt's house is someone 
else's house now. i wonder if they smell us.
the decades of our lingering. please 
let us all just stay where we are. shelter 
in place while the wind has big machines.
then maybe we will have enough sugar.
i licked my fingers clean. i poured smoke
from a hole in my head. up the road 
they are selling a trailer. i consider buying it
& telling no one. it is rusted & full
of birds. i could go in there & come out
a bird person. fly above everything 
& see all the houses as a train set. tell me
do you know how to love through windows?
i do not but it is all i have ever tried.