self portrait as caution tape 

lately i can feel myself becoming 
more flammable. all fires 
lean towards me
like how sunflowers lean towards 
our great burning dinner plate sun.
someone posted a meme yesterday that said
when sunflowers don't have the sun
they lean to face each other
& i wondered how long
a sunflower can live without light.
on the sidewalk last night
i turned to face my stranger
& i drank the beams out of her face
until she was all seed & no petal.
i have been vampuric
with brightness. the dark rushes 
at me from all directions.
shadows empty themselves 
in to my throat.
taste of black licorice &
dark chocolate. 
with a flame i found in a parking lot
i touch the foreheads of candles.
their wicks clench like thin fists.
i have day dreams of giving birh 
in an alley. the baby 
a roll of soot. the candles kiss it
until the infant blooms into a great
purple rose. i am the mother
of all my bruises. i have raised
eggplants by only the selfishness 
of the moon. i should avoid
fire, i know i should.
i should avoid rubbing alcohol 
& other flammable substances
but these days everything is made
of possible ignition.
i am a plastic god. 
i am a gasoline pump's mouth. 
the worst part 
is knowing the fire won't come.
i hold my breath
& curl up on the floor.
i am a crow-bar. i am a bottle openner.
i am to be broken 
in case of emergency.
i try to count beautiful things
to stay alive. i turn to face
other sunflowers & 
feed off their flickering.
i say hold still
& i use my thumb to 
block out the sun.

dungeons of skyrim

a door in the earth. a heavy hinge
swinging wayward towards stone. 
the sound of two feet walking
on brittle grass.
that winter, i set my xbox up 
in the corner of my bedroom.
propped the TV on the floor against the wall.
openned the window just a crack 
to let in a slit of cold air.
kneeled to play as if it were
some kind of worship. if i'm being honest,
i made the avatar look how i wished i could.
hair shaved to the scalp & 
dark eyeliner around her eyes. she was 
thin as a blade but could wield a great sword
with ease. she walked across 
the brush fields of my heart.
i loved her like i have never loved myself. 
the movement of her animated body 
lingered in my knuckles.
controler in my hand. a tether between
my world & the map. my body fading into the sound 
of cars driving down noble street outside.
i traveled, leaving all my corners 
of soft flesh. all my fears
of the dark. all my weaknesses.
i entered dungeon after dungeon
alone & with careful footsteps. 
each room peeled itself
& left the rinds at my feet.
re-animated corpses & their restless bones.
i'd glanced over my shoulder
to check that none were coming out of my closet.
my room became so many dungeons.
boxes of treasure. my mouth 
brimming with gold. i could feel 
the swing of the sword in my own shoulders.
i smelled the must of the depths.
rats scurried past. i held the jewels i found
underneath my tongue. 
watched my healthbar replenish.
a full corridor of red. the sun on my face
as i excited each cavern. my avatar 
weeping as she stumbled to the next town 
to sleep. i laid her down.
i could hear my brother
taking a bath in the room next to mine.
his feet squeaking on the floor.
i could hear the fan on the far side
of my own room. my hands were red
from grasping. my knees tired 
from kneeling. i fell asleep
just like her but in a different world
where the dungeons cut across
& intersected in every single room
& every single body. a skeleton 
escaped from my own mouth
to stalk the hall. 

july melodies / elegies 

i watch knots in the floor boards 
turn into bugs & remind myself those are just
where a tree once made a fist.
it is early but i can already tell
the day is full of fists & running.
my third hand clenched in my rib cabe
like a parrot. 
it cannnot get any hotter.
the walls scurry away from me 
so i grab them by the hems 
& hold our apartment together.
i wrap myself in the structure.
a robe. i pace the ceiling of myself.
my stomach is an oasis for sad thoughts
so i decide to go outside.
outside is so hot 
everything's turning to droplets.
waves radiate from the asphalt.
a chorus of birdless wings.
i walk to buy an aluminum can 
from the corner store. all the people in town
are gathered underneath the bridge
to hide from the sun. they are limp 
like overcooked pasta. 
i think vaguely about how if i were jesus
i would invite them all in my house 
where there is a lonely air conditioner 
singing its praises into the living room.
i am not a savior of anyone but
i bring them bottles of water.
before i return they turn into pigeons 
& fly where i an't reach them.
i consider buying a net to pull them down 
& force them to drink.
i tell them i am sorry for my hesistation.
i buy the aluminum 
& drink caramel water all for myself. 
a radio tells a story of more items 
i could buy. there are no other humans.
in my mind i carve a swimming pool
& fill it with aqua blue water
& pool noodles. i lay on my back.
i become an inflatable raft. 
summer invites itself into my apartment 
behind me. a heat that drums 
on all my corners. i tell the temperature
a story of being young 
& taking a bright cold shower. 
i dream up a rain storm & watch
as it doesn't arrive.
the sun rains light.
the floor boards rain memories 
of their tree-swaying. 
i rain nostalgia on my street.

i make packed lunches for non-existent children

i ask out the window if they want 
their sandwiches cut straight 
or diagonally. outside it is raining 
more than i expected but i pretend 
it's bright & there is an playground whirling 
up the street.
i peel the crusts off with a knife
& consider the heat of a great factory oven 
responsible for them. my children 
are picky & i don't mind. i eat the crusts myself--
pressing the pieces into my mouth as i work.
soon it will be dark & time for them 
to get in the bathtub full of air.
they will protest but i want them 
to be clean. i picture them 
sitting at long lunch tables
& i hope they have friends. i can't remember anymore
whether or not i had friends. i put
extra fruit snacks into their lunches.
i decide that i have two & a half children.
the half child says home & sits on the counter
to watch over me like an angel.
the half child is my favorite. 
there is very little fruit
in fruit snacks, but they are good 
proving to other children that you are normal
& that your father isn't a poet
who perches at his desk like a raven.
next i fill Ziploc bags 
with grapes & carrots. healthy food, yes.
they might just throw the stuff out 
but it is good to have it there anyway.
the children are helping the ohter children
pull the hot orange sun down.
a rubber ball. i had a red rubber ball 
i used to cradle like a child.
my children are all more beautiful
than anyone else's. this is why we are
lonely together. their mouths turn 
like bottlecaps in my heart
& i call for them to come inside.
a staircase grows taller or more reptile.
my half child is hungry so i feed him
gummy worms. my baby bird.
juice boxes are crucial, then a bag of chips.
i won't have them feeling hungry.
i consider lecturing them
when they come inside about how many days 
i felt hungry when i was a small bird 
but i don't. i want them to flourish.
i want their eyes to turn to jems
each & every day. their footsteps tumble
up the stairs. i open the door for them.
instruct them to take off their shoes.
the half child beats his wings & calls because
it is night time for the family. 
i'm not sure i would make a good
mother or father. i'm scared of being selfish.
i'm scared of packing terrible lunches.
i write them love notes 
to make up for falling short.
pleading, i tell them i am just one person.
i am easily distracted. i love their beaks.
i love their talons. i sign them 
& fold them as small as a note can be folded.
the truth is, i have no patience for noise. 
i send the half child to his cage
& the other children to the bath. 
i zip their lunch boxes shut as they scurry.
my mice in the walls. my pigeons.

angel bird 

the first human to grow feathered wings 
will feel terribly out of place.
she will take comfort in knowing 
most humans feel misplaced.
despite not having wings. 
people will spend all day mistaking her
for both an angle & a bird. 
when she is an angel, they will bring her offerings
of caesar salad & wendies gift cards--
shoving their gifts at her while she tries 
to fit her wings down a grocery aisle
to buy a box of granola bars. 
they will ask her to bring messages to god.
when she is young, she will protest, 
but as she gets older
she will assume the role. 
she will carry strangers hopes inside her,
walking out into her backyard & pretending 
to send them off into the sky as birds.
to learn how to fly she will have jumped 
from the roof of her parent's house 
over & over on saturday afternoons
when other children were walking plastic dolls across carpets. 
she will tape lined-paper wings to her dolls 
& toss them off her top bunk.
they will fall hard on the floor.
she will cradle her dolls & tell them she is sorry.
when she is seen as a bird, she will flicker
in the binoculars of neighbors.
the neighbors might hang up stripes of aluminum 
which is supposed to scare birds away
or they might hang bird feeders.
she will want to eat from them, 
bot because she's really part bird
but because they suggest that inside
all people are welcoming when it suites them.
she will fly to an office job 
where she does data entry 
so no one has to see her wings.
she will hate them somedays & other days
she will wonder if she really is an angel 
forced to live on earth. she will have a friend
who believes she had wings in a past life.
this will not be true but she will be happy 
for a friend. they will discuss the possibilities 
of their origins. they will build nests
& try to sleep in them. many many days
she will wish she were just a bird.
their mouths full of seed. their breif singing lives.
she will grow old & some of the feather will fall out.
she will fly from town to town,
sleeping in empty attics & roosted in trees.
when she is waking up
she will think faintly of her mother
who loved her feathers most of all,
who collected them as she molted the first time,
saving them in a Ziploc bag.  

i wear a candy bracelet

& i gnaw at each segment. 
the sky dresses in pink & is made of thin paper.
a tear forms right about the horizon 
but i ignore it because 
the hands on the clocks are insect antenae
& the lawn has turned to sandy sugar
so one other fracture doens't seem as threatening.
white elastic peering between jems,
the bracelet strains.
i have nothing to tell you 
about the flavor of a diamond. 
i have put so much metal in my mouth. 
when i was hungry i used to 
ball up aluminum foil & chew.
the bracelet crumbles 
chalky in my mouth. all diamonds 
eventually revert back 
to pale colorful sweetness. 
a boy bought me this bracelet 
& he was too tall for every single room
he walked into. his fingers were 
thin as toothpicks but his eyes were
full & glossy. he liked to lift me 
up into trees. he called me ornament &
stood back to stare a me as i glistenned.
if i eat the bracelets he won't find me again.
each day they grow back.
do you ever fear your teeth will fall out
from all the sugar? i brush my teeth 
with my fingers--clawing at each surface.
the world is an unclean place 
for anyone with a screen. in my bathtub,
i lay in sugar
& think of the choice between 
crumbling & dissolving. i would much rather
crumble. it's more distinct. 
i want to find my pieces in the dust.
to dissolve is to fade entirely.
the boy taps his long fingers against
the window to the bathroom. i tell him 
i am no one now, just an intricate origami. 
he sighes deeply & walks away.
just because he is easily fooled 
doesn't make me less scared of him.
i make a birthday cake with my heart 
& blow out all the candles several times
hoping a wish might come true.
i dream of water swallowing us all
& dissolving each grain sugar. 
sugar melting between my toes.
the paper sky wilting 
like a daffodil. sometimes bite my own wrist 
instead of the bracelet. it forms
a second little bracelet of tiny bite marks.
red ring. the bracelets eclipse each other.
i pull the blinds shut
& make up another excuse to the boy.
i tell him i am a rose bush.

zoo tycoon 

my uncle built a zoo.
night by night he hunched 
peering into polarized glass.
the desktop computer humming 
with the burden of architecture.
he selected the specific stones 
for each & every walkway. bright white
steps of an animal cathedral.
he kept the gates closed. 
the empty zoo blank & free of breathing.
fish tanks sprouting from the grass,
their kelp whispering towards
future sharks. from the staircase
i watched my uncle, his figure
silhoutted before the screen's light.
the soft click & scuff of the mouse 
rolling back & forth. 
he was almost completely still,
so focused on building the zoo. 
i was maybe ten & i built zoos too
but nothing like this. i wanted 
to ask him to show me all the details
but i didn't want to disturb his work 
so i watched from afar when i should have been
in bed. we all should be in bed 
more often. getting out of bed leads to 
building zoos & building zoos leads to
cages. planting trees along a walkway
with the movement of his fingers
i wondered what it would be like
to be a god. to hover above the earth 
& construct something intricate.
god laying the sidewalks & god 
rising blocks of earth for steps 
& god drawing invisible lines 
for each of our cages. in the game,
sometimes my animals would escape,
roaming with aimless fury towards 
the corner of the map. i have always 
been walking along the corners of maps.
that night, after watching my uncle's zoo
i will go up onto the roof & watch cars pass.
i will feel god-like yet precarious.
imagining my finger clicking on the forehads 
of cars to pick them up. the cars as 
animals in my zoo. the zoo is larger & larger 
each day, i'm talking about my uncle's zoo
or maybe also my own. he gets closer & closer
to letting the humans loose 
on his creation. he mutters hapily to himself.
on the roof, i kick a shingle into the grass.
i almost slip & i promise myself to stop being 
so dangerous. in that moment my uncle
clicks to open the gates. the whole computer freezes
pixel on pixel. currents of drowing code
frozen in a moment. the people are full of 
staggering. they try to enter but just end up
twitching in the gate. the screen goes still.
he clicks & clicks, first madly & then slowly,
once every few minutes. no response.
a fragment of the zoo gazing back at him.
before going to bed he restarts the computer.
by then i am asleep, building cages in my dreams.
he is finding he zoo submerged 
in an impenetrable void. the file emptied 
of walkways & animals & sculpture. 
does he weep? does he take the keyboard
& hurl it to the floor? i will never know.
somewhere the zoo is humming itself to sleep.
somewhere the animals have learned to feed 
off isolation, pulling the winks of stars down
from a blank lake in the depths.
i'll pick the shingle up from the yard in the morning.

seasons for waiting

all the children in the world 
wait in line to see mickey mouse.
the line serpents down city streets 
& up across the corn fields & the plains 
& the parking lots & 
& the glowing neon fast food lands.
we are good children so we go single file.
one after the other. the girl in front of me
has purple ribbons in her hair. 
sometimes i wonder who tied them. 
we peel clementines as they roll down from the sky.
when it rains we cup our hands & drink.
when it snows we turn into mounds of white.
take a step forward. getting closer.
there are stories about what he'll look like.
a great sphere of fur. a pile of stone.
a wonderful wonderful man with teeth. a statue 
of a real mouse with all its seven arms 
& gleaming eyes. i am scared of mice 
but i tell no one this. 
the stories frighten me. other children 
sing of their teeth & their claws,
ripping trees from the earth in anger.
this is why we are all good children.
patient for our turn. everyone will get a turn.
he wants to see all his creations. we know 
time moves forward. we know there are lives
away from this. one day we will all be adults 
with credit cards waiting in lines 
to purchase anything. i will buy 
a mickey mouse hat & i will buy a soft bed.
sleep comes suddenly & almost uncontrollably.
i get down on my knees & watch as 
the other children get down as well.
our eyelids are heavy & we curl up 
on the floor of the world. sometimes grass,
but often concrete & asphalt. 
if it's a road, cars will honk their horns 
to wake us up so they can pass.
there will be a day when this will all seem
funny. i will laugh with my friends
when i find them. we will sit & tell stories
of our time in the line waiting for him.
everytime i see an adult i wonder
if they are my father. i can't remember 
anything about him. i am selfish 
because sometimes i think mickey mouse
is my father. i think i will come see him
& he will lay his hands on my head.
he will tell me i am royal. i am worthy 
of everything. he will give me a bank account 
& a steering wheel. i will drive a car wherever 
there are roads. i will have a house
& i will watch the line of children 
as they march along, preparing to meet him. 
i know this isn't likely
but on the coldest days it keep me moving.
soon, it will be summer again which is
my favorite season for waiting. 
my skin will glow red in the sun.
water bottles will rolls from the horizons 
towards all of us. we will drink forever
& still feel thirsty. at night,
we will catch fireflies 
& tell stories of rumors.

a prayer to my neopets 

what color is the electricity in you
after all these stagnant years?
i want to know what your bodies know
cord thrumming in the dark.
tonight i think of you in your far 
& distant cavern between arches of code.
i fed you from a keyboard & you crouched
in the tangled wiring of it all. 
did you wonder when i would return?
did you talk amoungst yourselves?
me, a single finger in the mist.
i was so young with all my backpacks
full of soot. the library around me 
crinkled & tore. all the books flapped wild
as birds. did you know how young i was?
we all grow up with the desire
to take care of something smaller than even ourselves. 
some of us cradle baby dolls.
some of us plush animals.
i had you. 
a pocket of life in the virtual. 
your bright bold eyes peering through internet.
thank you for your patience, for not dying 
when i was fickle. i now understand 
why a god might be cruel. the world 
is so boring, sometime i feel like i'm still
just moving to fill time. 
tonight i am praying to you & hoping
the words emerge through the screen. 
you filled my time wiht your bodies. 
the whole knot of you.
danced you for coins. 
spun you in my mouth of crooked teeth.
i sat on a wooden chair.
i rocked back & forth. i walked home from you
on the gravel roads to my house.
your portal, a blocky library computer. 
me, a girl with freckles plotted
all over her face. she loved dragons.
he took care of monsters.
she drew pictures of you 
& folded them to store beneath her bed.
she fell asleep imagining you one day 
coming into her world. she tried to guess
how tall you would be. 
i am not that girl. 
i am wrapping myself in bed sheets 
& trying to sleep as you are wrapping yourself 
in static trying to sleep. 
here, take a fragment of the sun.
here, take bowl of ocean.
i lost all the passwords 
a long time ago. this prayer is ultimately
what all prayer is about.
forgive me for leaving. 
disperse in a way you know how.
soak into telephone poles 
& there in to a downpour or the dirt.

internship 

all summer i worked in a tall building in mid-town
where bouquets of elevators took us into the sky.
i was always in a hurry. my blood had legs. 
everyone was so clean. how did they stay 
so clean in the city? their clean suites 
& their clean shoes & their clean faces 
despite the heat & the grime. i sweat.
i fanned myself on the elevator ride up
to the fourteenth floor. it doesn't matter 
what i did up there in those rows & rows of cubicles.
i have forgotten my computer's password
& the name of the person who sat next to me. 
i did not network enough. i took notes
for poems. i thought about all the electricity 
coarsing through the building like a great monster.
i star-gazed at the neon lights overhead. 
this is why i'm not going to have a career 
& i'm fine with that. 
i have been thinking about how terrible it is
to fill giant buildings with work & money 
& fingers & keyboards.
i didn't look out the huge glass windows
nearly enough. in one spot i'd sit for lunch
i could see the people moving just the same
in the building next door to ours.
the windows made me feel important.
i wore the same three pairs of dress pants.
same belt. at lunch tables other interns 
talked about starting salaries.
at the window i thought about 
how proud my mom sounded 
everytime i described the building to her.
she'd ask for pictures & i'd send them.
once or twice i watched clouds out the windows.
they were thin & whispy with humidity.
i'm imagining a skyscraper 
in my home town. you would be able to see
so far. all the corn fields & all the pastures
& all of main street with its tiny shops.
if this were my building
i would leave it empty. o i want to see that.
the bones all white & gazing.
the staircases begging to be climbed. 
the elevetars would be the only contraption. 
bodies beaming higher & higher.
i should have tried to go to the top.
i wonder what they do up there.
does the city look like a diarama?
all the toy cars honking themselves apart.
i'm not meant for this kind of work.
it tour me apart. all the poetry. 
i always felt the impulse
to lay on the floor in the elevator 
on the way down. i never did.
i leaned against the wall. 
everyone small-talked so easily. 
i should have asked them about their windows
but i focused on my legs. the long pants swallowing them. 
the flower patterns on my button-up shirt.
the image of a skyscraper in the middle 
of a corn field.