all my softness

they handed us each a sapling 
& told us
to go find somewhere to plant.
spread roots--
a matrix of legs dangling.
i was so cold & we bought tea
from a triangle cut out
of the grey horizon. 
the sapling calling me
father & me telling the young
tree to go back to sleep--
to go sleep forever where 
it's quiet & you never need anything. 
we drank plastic cups 
of sweet Hi-C:
orange texture tributaries
leaking between teeth.
erosion of the tall mountains. 
cubes of sugar a drift in our blood--
a system of life rafts. 
i asked the sapling if
it had blood like me & it said 
it didn't. i peeled off
band aids to show the plant
what it was missing.
scars caramelize. 
scars like sea scallops stuck to the side
of a dock. 
the sapling was jealous
& i said skin was nothing to be jealous of--
it's only been trouble for me.
what would you want instead of blood?
i'd want pear nectar.
i'd want flies to pray to mouth.
when you were as small as a tree
what kind of dirt did you want?
i wanted chocolate.
the sapling wanted to know 
what it looked like so 
i walked in the cup
of my thimbles--
watching my stretched reflection
in the walls--
holding the sapling up & saying
yes this is you.
the tree wept as we all do
when we realize we have 
boundaries. we are only
so big. my faces contorts 
until it resembles
the face of any soft animal--
shell-less hermit crab, naked mole rat,
hairless cat.
yes those are me.
the sapling asks to be left
out to dry. i forgot
to mention it was supposed
to grow up to be an evergreen tree.
it was supposed to learn 
to smell wonderful. 
it was supposed to 
learn from other greens--
water cress, grass, tennis balls. 
i held it like a limp glove.
i told the sapling i understood
& as it lay on the porch 
it changed into a dead bird
& then a dead toad & then 
a dead hydrangea skull--
petals browning 
& blowing in the driveway.
i lay down next to it & said
i was sorry i wasn't more persuasive--
that i didn't beg the tree to stay.
it's ghost grows tall over me
in all my rooms 
& all my nights &
all my softness.
i pour tea out in the dirt
to keep the tree warm--
leaves sticky with 
scars of honey.

a cluster of hush

whispering became 
the only language that we could use,
not by mandate--
but from the force of 
collective craving.
a dormant epidemic.
it had always been contagious
& one day it got lose from
a library 
& that lead to
people were whispering
on the train & that's where
they say it spread from.
next, children whispering 
on sidewalk corners.
dads whispering to moms
in the kitchen.
soft tongue words.
a cluster of hush.
a spilling of closeness.
texture of a throw blanket
knitted over teeth. 
people had always wanted
to lean in to each other-- 
to cup hands around ears 
not just for secrets 
but also to tell simple
everyday things like shopping lists 
& what's for dinner. 
theaters became pantomime--
projecting the words along
the bottom of the stage
like silent movies. headsets
whispered the actions to those
who couldn't see. 
people went on dates
talking face to face 
to be able to hear the other person.
the light warmth of the other's breath 
sometimes fogging glasses 
sometimes smelling like the lasagna they ordered
but always feeling impossibly real.
how could this other person 
be so quiet & alive?
people fell in & out of love 
faster & harder.
the knowledge that everyone 
had a louder crisper voice
loomed in the back of minds.
laying next to each other in bed
or down the hall
they would one imagine 
their lovers-- 
even their children & their parents 
with booming roaring voices--
voices like car engines that hadn't
yet too learned to whisper--
voices the took up whole buildings.
voices the cracked bones.
more than anything 
they feared that they too had 
that kind of shattering voice
aching somewhere--
that one day it would break out
& everyone see the loudness 
that had been nestled 
in between all the whispers.
some would try to shout into alley ways
but to no avail-- 
only whispering came out--
a frantic lullaby--
a dampened call   

salad fork

i pull the table clothe
to prove all the plates &
the cups & the utensils won't 
topple off if i do.
a perfectly timed yank--
no hesitation. stand on 
the table clothe & don't move.
be a fork-- the short salad one
or is that the short one for
the main course? i can never remember.
people have tried to teach me
how to set a table. lay down--
i want to set the table on your chest.
plate moves up & down 
on your stomach. hold your breath.
i used to have a friend who
would hold their breath till
their face turned purple-- purple
like egg plant. no food yet--
just the table setting. room 
full of bodies to set plates on.
living bodies, yes of course,
nothing morbid. i wake up 
balancing a plate on my lips
& someone is on the other side
scraping with the side of a fork--
cutting with a knife. it's pork chops
tonight-- invisible pork chops.
the breading is falling like snow. 
no one is invited. the breading
is partially made from gold 
as far as we're concerned.
i say look what i can do
to get everyone's attention 
& i pull the table clothe,
but not fast enough & not
with enough pride. is that pride?
maybe i meant courage. maybe i meant 
bravery. maybe i mean something else
but whatever it was i didn't have it
& i pulled the table clothe & 
all the dishes & the cups &
the bowl came slamming to the floor--
cacophony of shattering. fragment
on fragment on fragment. the plate
on my face cracks & the plates 
fracture on everyone's bodies
the one person eating is appalled.
i put the fork to my mouth
to pretend i'm eating a pork chop.
i'm using the salad fork. 
meat is salad now. sometimes my mom
will say she wished 
we had more family dinners & 
i pull the table clothe out 
from under her which is to say
that i don't say anything to that.
i set a plate on top of her head.
she balances the plate & tells
the rest of the family to eat 
off of it-- that she'll help
herself last. 

over the candle stick 

i'm dipping my fingers 
in candle wax
index to thumb-- the tall 
candles on the dining room table
that we never light because
we don't have a dining room table
just these candles perched
in the middle of a vacant room.
we'll call the room a kitchen 
even though no one is allowed
to eat in there. a fridge
on its side. a candle 
inside the fridge-- flame moving
slowly because of the cold:
amphibian hearted wick.
jack was nimble but not 
so quick. jack came in 
through the window in the kitchen 
because we always leave it open.
he came & tried several times
to jump over the candles
always knocking them over.
i worried about him catching
the whole house on fire
which wouldn't be too much 
of a problem-- i just wouldn't
want to be here when it happens.
jack wasn't the worst guy but 
he was strange. all the boys
i've been with
need to show off like that
while i just need wax-- just 
need a kind of coating 
all over my body 
to numb each touch. 
index to thumb-- thumb to candle.
the candle smells white.
i blow them out
& light them again over & over.
the windows open by themselves 
to let in more jacks.
a breeze dries the wax.
i always wanted 
a wax doll of everyone 
i know so i could melt them
& then remake them again.
jack's face is melting 
from all his jumping. he's sticking
his head in the freezer 
& hoping it will help. his hair
is spiked with gel or maybe
he used the candle wax. 
i show off & i jump the candle
to show him 
that i'm the nimble one--
that i should be 
jumping over him. the kitchen 
has no light-- just this one candle.
he have flickering faces 
as the sun goes down.
bright orange faces.
the fridge door opens & closes
on its own from the faint hunger
that flickers all over.
i ate the candle & the whole room
went dark-- a flame
flickering behind my eyes.
jack-o-lantern me now yes--
there was never another boy here.

your vacant & stunning box of fleas 

uninhabited acrobatics 
in an empty room-- 
the ring master & his wonderful 
box of performers--
yes step right up here 
to the wonders of no one.

i need my own flea circus--
to train them to be 
marvelous: 
back flips
& balancing plates. 

in my basement i would talk
to them-- tell 
my fleas they're the best fleas 
in the whole city &
you would laugh at me if you knew
& you would think this is 
all a joke

of course you'd right
that there are no fleas:
the flea circus is a
series of magnet tricks
& gears-- 
a calculated escapade. 

yet, on days like this
i can almost see them-- my tiny 
artists
each of them so 
determined & proud.

i cup my hands as if 
to hold all the fleas
in my show. i say 
tell them 
you are small & 
beautiful & perfect.

on most days i wish 
i was as minuscule as them
so that most people would 
question if 
i was even there.

would you miss me 
if i became flea? 
no--i want to be 
the whole circus.

i want to be abandoned 
but marveled at-- i want
to be a vacant & stunning;
a hollow wonder.
yes-- step up to me then. 

watch all my little tricks. 
stick out your hand 
& hope to feel my touch &
wonder all the while

if all i am is a series 
of magnets 
pulling games
through the air.

slipping

somewhere there's probably
great ornate / foundations of lube /
a whole slippery jungle/ i pour 
the gel into my hands / from a blue bottle 
that says / passions / i imagine 
using the viscous sensation / to fit myself /
into so much / smaller spaces / my hand 
slipping down a throat / my hand 
sneaking behind the sofa /
my fingers / pressing holes 
into the soil / my finger prowling
between bricks in the alley /
the house / is loose / with this /
tiptoeing / everything slipped out /
of our hands / even the bottle /
even the dick / wiping lube /
on each other's backs / chests /
disperse the sliding / we escape into 
each other's softness / a waterfall /
of lube / a river / an ocean / yes 
even a creek complete with reeds /
all of that for lube / all of that
for folding into another person /
a slide comes out from / 
between his legs / i fall / 
down into a great rapid / just
yes across / skating yes /
frozen lake with lube underneath /
more now / never too much /
smell of plastic water /
taste bath tub toys / taste 
skin / bricks / soil /
i tell him that / this kind of thing /
doesn't usually work / for me /
he says the lube helps / i fell it
on every surface of my skin /
i am designed to go / deeper 
into another human / or maybe 
for them to find a trap door /
his hands have lube / on them too /
we laugh / we can't hold on /
the floor now / bite collar bone /
tells me not to / just not right
now / too much sensation /
i think of a world / comprised 
of so many carpets / to be naked 
on / then wiping lube on the carpet /
the urge to be alone / for me comes sudden /
covered in lube i can see myself /
slip from him but i don't / i stay 
and count my fingers / as he holds me after /
i trust me body to be there / one two three /
i would run back to my room / hug myself 
and test / the surfaces of my body /
alone with my lubricated self / i might even /
fit under the bed where the mice /
snicker at night / i tell him he was good /
we smell like balloon animals / i tell him 
i liked it / i did for parts of it /
i laugh at something / i wrap myself 
in clothes / i wash the lube 
off my hands in / his sink

guessing the flavors

all the jelly beans
cut themselves in half:
cross section of a sugar gel.
sweet like a mouth floating above 
the city taking its time chewing.
i'm putting jelly beans 
in a mouth not my own. i'm guessing
the flavors: green blue 
maybe popcorn maybe marshmallow.
the flavor of a marshmallow
is somehow closer to orange
than white. jelly beans clack 
as they drop on the hardwood floor
from the ceiling where
a vine invites them in. 
someone is sneezing.
someone is allergic to jelly. 
if i had a garden i would pour 
sugar instead of dirt. 
i would take a spoon out 
into the mounds & scoop a tiny bit
for my coffee. 
a coffee flavored 
jelly bean. teach all the vegetables 
to be sweeter 
& cut them in half.
i run my fingers over tomatoes
& tease the skin of celery-- 
eat only
jelly beans & be as happy 
as their name suggests.
i might be a different person 
if i ate more frivolously. 
i'm imagining meals of gummy peach rings
with a bowl of skittles.
jelly beans with a spoon.
the mouth stops chewing
& tries to recognize the strange taste--
maybe tropical flavor.
if i was still ten years old 
i would feed myself like this
& my hair would be licorice 
& lush & birds would try to take
snippets of it as i walk down
the street. i don't know what
i should eat. i don't know
if i should eat anything.
i have teeth that sometimes
look like jelly beans
in the right light. i have
a whole mouth full. i bite 
my tongue chewing-- i guess
the flavor: metal. 
the vine drops more beans 
& i kneel down to collect them. 

this is a poem to fill in that space in your ring 

where the gem stone fell out.
before that though
i want to be a shiny backed beetle 
crawling back & forth through 
the opening, feeling like
i'm traveling between times--
this portal. i want the opening
to be the front of my house,
no door, just a silver circle where 
a glinting rock used to be.
more than anything i love absences--
locations where something should be there.
this is how i feel on the train alone
i feel like something else should be there
whether it's you or myself
i'm not always sure. i'm not always there.
i'm often just like your ring--
a lovely setting but where is the stone?
i don't even remember where 
the stone fell out. i could re trace my steps
but my steps are old & not very useful.
we could fill it in with a seed
& wait for it to sprout into something--
a little flower from your finger
perking up towards the sun in the window.
we could use an ear plug-- 
one of the green ones my dad brings me
when i tell him that the world is 
too loud for me. i could fill
the space in with the sound of my saying
"i'm sorry" repeating in a coil 
not an echo by a spiral.
maybe an earring like the one i wear 
everyday to remind you 
of the strangeness of all earlobes. 
i could be smaller.
yes i could manage that.
i could be so small that i fit
in the ring's opening. put my hands
up to the ceiling & grip on.
i could teach my skin to glimmer
like the crystal that used to be there,
cut myself into wonderful angles
for light to take notice of.
if not me than maybe a tiny glass bird
or a photograph of the earth 
shrunken down to fit on a ring.
there are so many options.
i open the front door & i think to myself
i'm walking out of the hole 
in her ring
& somehow that makes the morning
feel real. 
i should find all your rings 
& knock the stones out.
a little graveyard of gems.
i want to watch you stand 
on of the openings on your own hand.
i believe we might only be
our true selves under that kind
of smallness. i buy microscopes 
for this occasion. we shrink down
& become neighbors 
on a hand-- just like we are now
walking in & out of doors 
in the same small home. 
i miss you. 

brush strokes 

God asks the angels 
if they've tried painting sunsets.
he says that everyone feels like this
sometimes that everyone needs
to practice a little self-care.
he hands out packets of dollar-store paint brushes
& explain how anytime before dusk 
an angel can press their brush to the sky
& make nice gentle sideways strokes.
God suggests the colors orange
pink & yellow. he suggests bringing along
a buddy to paint alongside of. he suggests
not trying to be too creative,
that the point of the sunset isn't to be creative
but to inspire calmness among the angels 
& the people down below. 
the angels recently have been feeling useless. 
they watch horrible things happen among people.
they curl up in the dirt & let weather fall
all over them. they ask the moss to grow
& shroud them from sun. they ask each other
to remove their own wings one feather
at a time. they want to be mortal.
they want to know this will end. 
some come to paint the sunset,
weeping as they draw a brush across
the skyline. some use unauthorized colors,
they say that there is no way to paint 
the end of a day without adding blue
or purple. the blues & purples are 
cathartic because they are heavy
& they bleed into all the other colors.
one angel asks another 
would you miss me if i fell from here?
the other hold onto the him tight & says 
of course we would all miss you,
never say that.
don't tell people that you 
want to fall from the top of 
a building. 
tell everyone that sunsets make
you feel so much better.
the angels want to know 
if the sunsets actually help 
human so one comes & asks me. he stands
in the door way of my bed room 
& startles me. he gestures
to come look out the window.
above the tops of the houses
i admire a great watercolor sunset.
the angel asks me if it makes me
feel any better. i can't 
tell him the truth. his wings 
are matted & he has dark circles
under his eyes. i lie. i say
of course, yes. all the humans 
wait for the sunset. each day they're
somehow more beautiful.
the angel weeps & thanks me.
i weep & thank thank the angel.
he tells me i should also
get some paints like he has.
i tell him i will
even though i know i won't. 
on the news another mass shooting
happens in a library this time.
on the news there's a fire eating 
every single tree. the fire has 
sunset colors. i turn the television off
but the news bubbles up on my phone
i go to look at the sunset
& try to find brush strokes.

if you find yourself to be an unreliable narrator

i like to sleep in;
i like to get up early.
i'm 800 years old today 
& this is my birthday yes 
because every single tuesday 
is my birthday & i'm in charge 
of tuesdays now they're mine.
i take this tuesday & roll 
it out flat like a pie crust
& fill it with peeled apples/sugar.
to day is a pie. today is tart 
without a cup of sugar. i eat 
just sugar from bowls sometimes 
& i like to feel the grains 
in my teeth--they remind me 
that teeth are bones & 
bones can thin & disappear.
once all the bones in my body 
disappeared so i had to replace them 
with plastic forks & spoons & knives.
my clavicles are spoons & so are
my knuckles. there is a perpetual need
to scoop up everything. i steal 
utensils from restaurants. i steal glasses
& plates & especially salt shakers 
but not before throwing a handful of salt
over my shoulder for better luck. 
it doesn't rain where i'm from.
my neighbors ate only vegetables
they grew in pots outside their front door--
so many tomatoes. 
i had no neighbors actually-- the house
perched in the middle of true no where.
i love no where not to be confused with
nobody. nobody is everyone really 
but i think some people are terribly important.
i passed a man on the street with 
a sequin fedora. he must have been 
one of those people. if i cut all 
the fingers off my gloves maybe 
my fingers will all follow. 
i drink coffee black. i actually drink
coffee with two splenda. splenda because
i like the way yellow tastes better than 
pink or blue or green. sometimes sugar 
looks blue to me. maybe i mean green.
sugar is actually just snow that 
got too caught up in nostalgia. 
i might be a lump of sugar.
i love my dog more than myself.
i love the cross walk sign more than myself.
i love measuring cups & small spoons more than myself.
if i could be anywhere right now
i would probably be asleep. i want to be be dead 
most of the time but not actually dead--
the death i want involves be still 
being able to think in the wonderful 
dark quiet of a coffin. i can't commit
to something like death so don't worry 
about me. i can't even commit to 
eating a whole watermelon. 
i probably could. i love watermelon,
all fruit really, more than myself.