cortisol

the immune system water park.
the dinosaurs were animatronic 
all along & i was feeding the ducks 
bread like you shouldn't. 
corrosion & cortisol both
sound like the names of flowers
when i repeat them, speaking
to the shower walls where my voice
can live as a dragon would in
steam & grotto. beneath the drain
is a basilisk & i feed him olives
through grates. he's patient. 
he reads magazines. 
he likes it when i sing even though
i leave a window open. i hate it.
it all sounds like the crinkling
of gift wrap: echoes alien & adrenaline.
the creature purrs almost 
like a cat. we're allergic. i close the door.
there's neighbors in the drywall.
they have a small baby whose
hand prints are muffled by 
the paint. what colors did we 
paint the living room? green
is the wall furthest from 
the couch, but what about orange?
there's orange in me now 
that i can't get out-- a sleep 
sucking color. my bones i swear
are sugar or glass or somewhere
in between. the flowers dotting
the lawn-- fierce & flamingo.
they don't come up in the rain.
they don't come up when the grass
turns into a bag of kettle chips.
my father is salting the soil.
we won't try sunflowers again. 
they don't come up in april
& august but both & neither.
a bulb of tongues. acidic & beautiful.
i don't pick them when they arrive 
as they always do. when i was little 
& naive we would get the vase ready.
the acid, leaving burns
on my face & hands. their sweet smell
singeing the ends of my hair. 
this is why i have short hair
or did i pull it all out? i can't remember.
it is best to leave vases around
the house. respect the flowers.
oh cortisol a kind of kiss
& the power line is down & 
throbbing in the street. the hiss
of the basilisk. treat him kindly.
bring flowers, preferably
white clovers. something innocent.
a plate of potato chips.

electronic organ

when the aunts sell the house 
i want their electronic organ.
a heart or a lung. preferably 
the one from the living room. i tape
the sheet music no one has ever
played to the walls. i make it talk. 
you & me, both quarter notes
dangling from the ceiling where
there used to be a light fixture.
on holidays we would sit
together on the piano bench &
ask her questions. how old were
you when Pearl Harbor happened?
sitting-on-the-bed years old.
the smell of gun powder in the sink.
she answered with the foot pedals:
the big one in the back is volume--
tilting deeper into the vocal chords
of a mechanical word. i want that
organ. i haven't thought about 
transportation, but i assume the 
ghosts will be inclined to move it,
one less thing for them to deal with.
i'll ring the door bells of their
picture frames. a spare kidney?
a liver? the skin is, as we know,
the largest organ. eight keys 
on the bottom row don't make
a sound because they're playing
somewhere else. maybe the attic,
maybe just the light above
the kitchen sink. the faucet drips.
where will i put it?
i guess next to my bed. i wouldn't
want the organ getting lonely, waking
up in the middle of the night
in a far off city & sobbing for 
it's mother. i'll get up 
with her & put my warm
skin on her body. i'll hum
what's left of church in me.
i'll tell her about where
i was when Pearl Harbor happened.
an olive in the back 
of the fridge. bombs in the
sink. the faucet leaking.
pushing the volume away--
a voice getting farther. distant now.
just one lung. 

tupperware 

at the first sign of rain 
i went outside into our tiny square
of a backyard, took the fishing rod.
(the one we used twice a year) (if
we were lucky). (from the wall of the garage)
(the line still tangled all around).
i put the spare hooks
through my lip (you wouldn't approve)
i know, that's why i did it. 
(also) it's an convenient place to hold them.
with me, i took some assorted Tupperware.
of course, none of the lids matched,
some dull red & some blue. a circle 
a circle a square, a round square. 
as deep as a bath tube (as swallow).
we went fighting in the lazy Susanne.
you are good are organizational systems.
i am good at chaos & standing outside unafraid 
to be struck by lighting. 
(that's the only way you'd ever be able
to catch it). (a ripe bolt). (as blue
as they come). i wanted to find one
for you, keep it in the freezer
behind the ice cube trays. (for when you maybe
come visit me). (stay still).  
will you eat it with a fork (plastic?). 
did you know that sometimes 
electricity in our blood
can make us forget words? (what words?).
(daughter & father & yard & rod &
rod & lid). hand me the lid.
(which one?). the red-blue-green.
i'm not fishing. these hooks are
for aesthetics. there must be
one with a lid that matches it's body.
(one that's deep enough). does your
father know you're here? (probably not).
i would call him but then he'd ask
about how the thunder smells 
& i would have to lie & say 
that it smells like cream soda.
snapped the top on. this one (right here)
is for you. i waited three hours
for it in the rain. my fingers
went prune. the yard grew weary 
of me (the yard hundreds of miles 
away from yours). i'm saving this
for you so that you'll remember
that time we sat in the garage. 
you took the fish hooks out (gentle).
the blood trickled. the lightning 
so sweet. licorice & mango:
a seed smacking the soil.
(our soil). i'm saving it. (for you).

i want to be a better teaspoon,
this is how to make a scone. this is
where the blueberries run frozen & wild.
i swallow them & pretend they're hemlock.
hem my lips like the purple skirt--
the locket i made from bottle caps.
occasionally i mark my height on 
the expanse of my forearm. i'm little.
a pairing knife. the pairing knife you 
use to make thighs out of pears.
i don't eat pears but peaches will
do just fine-- only the pits. i want 
to bear a tree & call her daughter
until she grows hair. i'll cut 
it off to sell for wigs. oh what
a pair, what a pair of earrings. 
i only wear one earring at a time
so that i'll always be off kilter--
who wants to be balanced. i'd sell
the moon for this-- a wad of washing
machine dollars. oh love oh love 
will you go in the second drawer--
that's where i left the picture frames,
they're good for plating cheese 
& crackers. a party. have i told
you that you part me? a clove of
garlic-- one chamber of a heart.
i think of the muscles of a skinned
rabbit, all exposed. a teaspoon
in your mouth. when i eat peanut butter
i measure it out in table spoons.
in tables-- spread the table,
wheat toast, take off my crusts.
i'll do better. i'll get better 
& call it a body. i eat standing up. 
i'm good at making
scabs happen. there was this
boy in high school, no, middle school.
there was this girl in middle school,
no high school. oh yes, well
a brick of butter, your chest
a pan. oh yes.

Stolen 'Wizard of Oz' ruby slippers found 13 years later

the first morning when you
asked what color. first, hanging
the shoes from the ceiling fan
& watching them spin, each sequin 
illuminating a new corner of 
the apartment, the angry flecks
of light. hellish fruit flies--
dance & telling no one. No one home.
The curtains closed. the wild tornadoes
don't come to Cherry Street. the town
has been quiet since we were little,
check the forecast though, you never 
know when the it'll all drop
without warning. the wizard with
his microphone in the bathroom,
sitting on the medicine cabinet.
is my prescription ready yet? 
do you have a heart still?
tin & full of oil, leaking on
the floor. is there a mop to
clean this up? is there someone
who's feet these will fit. 
oh Cinderella whose waiting for
a pumpkin to drop from 
the ceiling fan. where do good
pumpkins come from? do they 
wear heels? pacing, the hoof clack 
the foot step. 
The hard wood floor. hide them. 
hide all your fires & let them
burn quietly. they will not 
find us-- we will stand in the 
dark-- clapping our heels three
times. We're not in Kanasas anymore--
or the living room or a body.
too tight. the woman outside with
a green face. the woman outside 
with a purse full of monkeys &
the hot air balloon that never lands.
a car alarm. take the shoes in 
your hands & bang them together.
hammers. you can fix this.
a moment. just one moment with yourself.
a waltz playing on the small ghastly radio.
the memory of your husband who 
tossed the video tape player in the trash
when it started to eat the film.
just for you. this is just for us. 
ask god There's no place like home?

32 flavors of non-fat yogurt 

this is the story about gods
of small plastic containers,
stacking themselves in rows. 
the miniature domains. peel off
the lid on the top of my skull.
every universe stacked in the grocery 
aisle. jesus multiplying the loaves 
only this time they're yogurts. 
i also eat yogurt but i'm smart because
i distrust it. question it's 
goals, what it wants with us. 
it would be easier, yes, easier
if my bones were malleable & 
recyclable. in the light of a fridge or
maybe a moon-roof she peels
off the lid & asks what kind
of music they'll be playing inside.
a slice of key lime pie the size
of a thimble at best. a quiet sugar.
(if there is any sugar left). when we
run out we'll have to call each 
other aspartame in the dark. you're
a sweet girl-- you don't need much 
room. & there she can wear too
much makeup & consume without 
utensils. lay back on the spoon,
a sturdy recliner. no one has to know that
she keeps boston cream pies &
occasionally red velvet cakes 
as lovers. her husband, a fork. 
what good is a fork? 
the lovers dress her sometimes:
in ruffles, &, if it's hot outside
& the kids aren't biting each other,
a bathing suite. a one piece,
because no one wants to see that.
the god of small containers has
a sense of mercy & cruelty. 
we talk from time to time. i stand
to eat just like my mother just
like my father just like the light
from the fridge: dim & reminiscent of
a firefly asleep with his 
body still on. sleep in a small container.
the taste of lemon meringue. i crouch inside.
i close my eyes to listen to 
the shedding of pie crusts in 
the waste basket. spit out the last
mouthful. there are smaller containers.
i wore a button-up & left the girl
dangling neatly on a hanger in the closet.
she is rightfully ravenous, but i close
the closet door. 
i ask for more.

dark chocolate

I.
bite fur &  black wrapper. my uncle &
i ate dark chocolate. we picked we 
shelf-searched for bars with
higher percentages of cacao-- 87% 92%.
trees bursting from beneath supermarket
tile floors. i pretended to like the taste-- 
tucked each piece beneath my tongue: a folded
note drenched in ink. the cacao beans were falling 
on the roof of the house & will be mistaken for hail. 
shingle by shingle, tearing off like dried finger nails-- 
the scales of a fish that only swims in black water. 
sometimes i'd spit it out (secretly of course).
i'd say this was the best-- the very best
& downstairs the rain forest would ache.
a toucan nipping at our ankles. the laugh
of the brush. swallowing. milk, smooth
as oil, setting fires on the way down. 
II.
when i moved into my new apartment
there was a bag of dark chocolate on 
top of the fridge belonging to no one. 
i sample it from time to time-- i think
of toucans. the jaguar in the washing machine. 
i eat pieces sporadically & without warning. 
i have been trying to figure out on what occasions 
i eat it. it's not out of hunger or fear. i do not
particularly like the taste-- the anger 
in each morsel. the indignation. does god keep dark 
chocolate in his cabinet? a cup of
thumb tacks? if resent had a mouth. 
three nights ago i ate 10 pieces. all
in a row. the rain forest cramping up
in the cellar-- fingers on doors. 
door knobs on tongues. the wrappers. 
i'm sorry. i'm sorry.

the birth of venus & other apologies

my heart is most like the big
white shell that venus is standing
on in Botticelli's painting-- 
the other half that snapped & snapped
when out came a god-girl. i'm sorry
for clean dishes i've broken. i'm sorry
for not visiting. i'm sorry for coming
into this world fully grown like
venus, too much too cover up with 
orange hair. i'm sorry for rust dying
my hair & staining the sink. 
under knuckles. the shells on my desk,
none large enough to shrink back into.
am i a body too cumbersome to be undone?
i'm sorry you have to knit backwards
to fix where the stitch was dropped.
i'm sorry for breasts-- cover her
quickly. i don't know what the painting
is supposed to be about but i want
to cut her hair off & drop it in
the water-- watch the strands grow
fins & swim. i have yet to see you 
in the spring. i have yet to learn 
how to not split that shell on exit,
does she have clear skin? does her face
wash have little blue beads in it?
where is the blood? i'm sorry far that
too. for hora of spring, the goddesses
who keep the portions of time like slices
of plain cheese cake-- wax paper in between.
the blanket to cover me. i'm sorry 
for nakedness & for apologizing too
much & not enough. i'm standing there too,
standing in the big half-shell heart.
what i want to know is how she's not
crying. how venus could be born
as a grown woman & not react
at first with tears to being so
much all at once. i wish i was 
a better lover. i'm sorry for 
cellphone & for glass. for my wrists 
& for the other half of the shell
(wherever she may be). i love girls.
i love women. i'm sorry that 
a part of myself will always be 
in conversation with ways of breaking.
isn't that what birth is though?
an apology? a break? my mother
split open like a geode
& now there's nothing left
of her but hair that has gills
& swims in the rain puddles. 
is it raining now or is that just 
venus. i want to take her inside.
i want to lay her on my bed, hair
freshly cut. i want to tell her
that there will be no more men.
i want to apologize until we
both become portions of time--
put on each other's clothing--
an over-sized shirt. a pleated
skirt. keep the sea shell on
the desk. my heart my heart.
the goldfish in the sink.
my mother, knitting a naked quilt
to throw over us.

pluto's wife

yesterday i learned that pluto
has a wife, so i walked outside 
in the driveway to see if i could
catch a glimpse of her from earth. 
between the muddle of night sky & mars
being so loud & red i could barely
make her out; crouched on 
the small cold surface of 
the dwarf planet, knees tucked
into her chest. she is so young.
pressing hand prints into 
the frozen nitrogen surface. 
she toyed with her hair, a fish tail
braid. she glanced at neptune longingly,
who wouldn't? he's so so blue &
she is so so young to be all 
the way out there. it's commone
though, that a young girl would 
want to throw her heart 
like a skipping stone at the night sky. 
i have made similar errors.
i baked a tuna casserole like
the one we assembled for 
the reverend's wife 
when he died,
covered it in tin foiled & gripped
the dish with my green hot pads,
started trekking up the steep slope
where the earth blends into space.
i had expected pluto to be tiny,
but i had not expected how miniature. 
she took off my boots by the door
& we stood about an inch apart.
her breath was warm against me,
fogged my glasses.
she offered me an appetizer;
those fried raviolis that aunt
Pam used to make at Christmas,
she's a pluto goer too. i think
it's in our blood. the hereditary 
desire to escape at all costs.
without a word we fed each other, 
wiped crumbs off each other's faces, 
the marinara sauce in the corners 
of our mouths.
i told her to run away with me
& even though pluto didn't protest
she shook her head. she crouched
back down & pressed her lips to
the icy body, sealing herself there.
i fish tail braided the wife's hair
before i left. i sang her the song
we sing in church on the feast 
of the assumption of Mary. 
Ave Ave Ave Maria. i want to call
her Maria but she wouldn't
admit a name to me. i did the dishes 
that were left in the sink. 
i set the casserole 
on the top shelf in the fridge. 
i took my time strolling home.
i wanted to look at least once
at neptune: so so blue. we met eyes so
i quickened my pace. my planet
is green & wants me.
my planet is wild & i don't
take off my shoes, leave footprints
on my bed. i wake in soil & sun.

side door 

we don't use the front door to
of my parent's house. that's 
where we keep the coats & the jackets
& the red scratchy mitten 
that lost its other half. 
there's too many coats. it's
too tight. the wool brown shawl.
the blue blazer with the elbows
worn out. even the delivery boy
from Mama's Pizza knew that
we all come in through the side door.
the front door is green. the side
door squeals as it open, the lid
of a can of peaches. the syrup
across my thighs. don't cut
yourself on the rim, i lick
the lip of the can & my tongue
bleeds all over the kitchen counter.
if you knock no one would hear you,
ring the door bell. as my father
installed it i lay on the living
room floor & pretended the chime
was the toll of some far-off clock 
tower. the light on the porch.
we put a wreath on the front door
& didn't remember to take
it down till at least april.
it was evergreen & cranberry.
now it hangs on a hook with
the too-many-coats. the folds,
the layers, the tampons that 
never fit, on the carpet like 
the columns of a dead church. 
i'm convinced that the front door
wouldn't open now even if we wanted
it to. a place for holding.
a place for the blue knit hats
i used to wear. my father's vampire
cape. the tall vase made for holding
umbrellas. we don't own any umbrellas.
we ordered pizza. i learned how
to take out the storm windows 
& come into. come inside, wipe
your feet on the coats but careful
it's sharp in there. when we first 
moved in our family's love for the
house blushed in all the windows. 
the lamp in the upstairs hallway
trips the breaker. dark. the towel
wrack in the bathroom rips off
the wall. the sink upstairs overflows,
running down the stair case. 
when i visit i want to come
in the front door, or, at least
hide in there. step in between
all our old winter wear. tongue 
& teeth. hide & go seek. you won't
find me, crawling between scarves
to touch the heavy cold door. 
gold knob. back up against it,
i tell the house that i love her. that i love
our old house so much. the banister
snaps like a hip bone. i tell her
she doesn't have to open. no she
doesn't. the coats all come down from
their hooks like when everyone kneels
for adoration at mass. i don't
find the other red glove. open the
can of peaches, gently out the side door.
the taste of syrup. enough. enough.