for 13 year old me afraid of tampons
& my vagina that isn't a god damn flower

if you ignore the blood you
will become a stain-- a trail to
follow like bread crumbs-- 
this is the witch's house
made of gingerbread & thick 
gum drop gargoyles--
the first time i had my period
i hid my underwear behind
the toilet-- next under the hamper--
tried to stop myself up
with toilet paper-- frantic 
& coiled over a toilet
i knew i wasn't dying 
but it was better to think 
that i was-- i was terrified  
of someone telling me
i was becoming 
a woman-- when we had
sex ed in sixth grade
we never watched a birth video
but we watched a grainy
tape from the 90s &
a girl in braided pig
tails said she had become
a woman that day-- & that
her mother had called all
of her aunts because she
was so excited for her--
they bought fresh but
tulips & put them in a vase
on the dining room table in
celebration--
i don't want you to
pretend like my vagina is a flower--
some locus that you could
make bloom-- my vagina 
is a clutched fist
for holding onto the rudder of
my spine--
when i told the sleepover girls
that i use pads 
they told me pads are
gross & that everyone uses
tampons because they're 
SO MUCH EASIER
i bought myself a box 
with a green label & 
white flowers encouraging 
my vagina to open
on the cover of the box--
spent the next two weeks
in a battle hunched &
contorted-- leg
up on the toilet or the ledge of 
the sink in an attempt
to learn how to wear
a tampon-- there was something
about the insertion
that terrified me-- that made
me feel vulnerable & 
the orchid stems grew from my
throat & i finally told
my mother the next month
that i was bleeding--
to my relief she didn't buy tulips--
there were no phone calls
to aunts i don't have--
there were no balloons 
or vagina birthday cake-celebrations
--there was the wisdom
of the cabinet under the sink
& an arm briefly around
my shoulder--
in the bathroom
i threw out the box
of tampons-- i have never
tried to wear one
since-- i refuse to 
be your flower-- your 
pink & white girl to 
cut & dip in the clear
vase so you can see my
unshaven legs taking
root in the glass-- if i had
to be a flower i would
be a dandelion so
you wouldn't mistake me
for something to teach
to open--
you would be scared of me
& i would blow my
white hair in your
face like the dismantled 
lining of a pad--
so i follow the trail of blood
back home
through the forest--
the witch left the oven on &
the house burned with me
inside-- i escaped
with charred hair & 
an empty vase full
of toilet paper-- as for
advice for 13 year old 
me i would tell her
she doesn't have to hide her
underwear & i'm still
scared of tampons & feeling
my torso revert to a stem--