hook

we went fishing in 
the duck pond--
let my father skewer 
each wriggling worm on our
hooks--
they spoke to 
us in a sign language
we pretended to not understand--
watched them spell 'fear' 
in the contortions of their
bodies-- handfuls of hearts--
i heard each one louder 
& louder until the hook
entered their body & the worm
coiled into herself to relinquish 
all semblance of language--
mute at the violence of the hook--
we dangled them to catch
& release blue gills &
trout-- sometimes we
wouldn't have worms & my father
would ball up potato rolls
to stick on the end of the hooks--
no matter what i was always
scared of getting them caught on
my finger or any other part of my 
skin-- one year when the whole
family rented house in cape may 
a cousin flicked 
his line back & caught
his hook in his brother's freckled
shoulder skin &
with a flick of his wrist
tore into him--
ever since i have
trusted nothing about hooks--
so it is amusing now
that i open my bed room window
& sit on the ledge as if it
were the rock we cast lines
on-- this is another catch &
release only this time 
i'm plucking out the stars & using
them like potato rolls on the end
of a hook that
i found in the old tackle box
in the garage--
i'm fishing for my body back
after all these years of
living between the hearts
of a worm-- i'm here to eat
my own sign language-- 
bite into a hook & watch it
puncture my gums-- this
is the only way to come back--
catch & release 
catch & release--
there are not enough hooks
to hold onto my body--
i have gills as deep blue as
the night sky in july--
all full of moon belly &
lightning bug morris code--
i pull the hook out & the world
tastes like metal--
i know i'll have to haul
my body back up from the water
again-- this is what healing
feels like-- like fish hooks &
stars rolled up like potato 
rolls & you father listening
to your muddled sign language
that neither of you understand--
this is how a body cries for help--
this is how you catch yourself--
hook in mouth--
release me when you're done
so i can swim--