vending machine pilgrimages 
to the edge of a dial tone

1.
approach the vending machine &
try several times to insert
the crinkled dollar bill from
the back of your pocket--
the one with someone's phone
number scrawl above washington's
head like a password--

2.
write down their number
in your phone contacts 
& tell yourself you'll
call them one day &
let them know that their
phone number is on a dollar
floating above washington's
head like a halo--
maybe a lover scribbled 
the contact down after a night
in the city together--
by the light of passing street
lamps in the back of
a taxi 
he promised to call back--
he always promises to call back 

3.
enter the code
for the item you
intend on purchasing with 
the crinkled dollar which
the vending machine finally
accepts after several
pleads & presses

4.
enter 'EXIT'

5.
wait a moment to ensure
no one else is watching you--
no one else is allowed to
be watching you--

6.
when you think you're
alone is when you should be 
most cautious--

7.
open the flap & reach your
hand inside like you mom 
always told you not to do
even if your bag of twizzlers 
was caught on a rung
on the way down--

8.
there is a moment of 
disbelief when you first encounter
a vending machine-- it's
as if you alone have the power to
conjure items from 
the slot at the bottom--
when i would visit my mother
at work i liked to sit 
in the break room &
parcel out my quarters to make
the most items as possible
fall from the little rows
inside the vending machine--

9.
now open the flap wider--
yes wider--
yes like the mouth of a snake--
clutch the quarters in your fist

10.
now it's wide enough to 
crawl inside--

11.
crawl inside--
make sure you shut the
flap behind you-- you wouldn't
want anyone else getting ideas--
this is yours now--
all yours--

12.
peel back past the rows of
marching items--you're here to
go deeper

13.
you reach farther & your
hand touches a dark damp
surface like dewy grass &
you can't see anything but
you know you have to go further--
it's dark back there behind
the rows but it's getting
bigger & bigger & less cramped--
& after yanking through the snugness
everything is open-- black 
& vast & blaring--

14.
silence can be so loud

15.
you don't think about
leaving or how you would leave 

16.
you think about wrapping your
entire body in plastic--
you think about silence & 
how loud it is
you remember feeling around
at the back of your closet
after reading 
the chronicles of narnia 
& wondering if there would
ever come a day with a door
just to escape through

17.
& in the darkness you
remember the number on the dollar
bill-- you repeat it over & over
so you won't forget but
for the first time 
you can't find your phone so
instead you whisper the numbers 
over & over as if pressing keys  
in the air with your tongue

18.
dial tone
dial tone