in search of a reflection

i used to steal my body 
from the full length mirror
in my mother's bedroom--
it was the only place
in the house i could
find my whole body
at once--
there were other places where
i searched-- 
dipping my hands 
into smaller mirrors
& fished out my ankle bones--
fistfuls of teeth & tendon--
i would lay down on the floor
of the bathroom--
naked after a shower &
look at myself 
in the mirrors around
the parameter the room--
wiped off mist to 
see my flesh-- pinkish
from the hot water--
my body was in a constant state
of evaporation-- i wrote
my name in the foggy mirrors 
to press myself back into
my body-- oh how easy 
i become vapor--
in my mother's room
i'd locked the door behind
myself so no one could see
my play with my own reflection--
i taught her to tie
herself tight as a ribbon-- 
to smile like a folded
paper napkin--
my flesh was a lump of
clay 
& i remembered how
to make a pinch-pot 
from third grade art class
when one boy's mug
had air bubbles 
& exploded
in the kiln--
since then i had been
scared my body
would break in the kiln--
i've swallowed so much air--
i took both
my hands into my mouth
& squeezed my lips
open--
crafted my skull into
a jar to pour in pennies 
& beads 
& loose paper clips--
i figured that a reflection
was just another art project--
one without glue--
from the shelf i took
my mother's velvet makeup bag
& laid out the implements on
the carpet--
black pencils & lipstick--
i could never put my lips
on quite right-- it always
looked like i was taking
someone else's--
i would apply them again & 
again-- peel them off my
face & put them in my
pocket--
i would swallow less air without
them &
then i tried 
to find my eyes-- shifting
for marbles, i drew dark
circles around them with
a green eye-liner pencil--
i so much resembled the
moon when it wakes up--
& again i wiped the 
lines off on the back
of my hand--
when i was done playing
i checked the door
again & took off my clothing--
i turned to the side to
see the profile of my body--
i stepped farther & farther
backwards & thought
about how i liked my body
more the farther away i was from it--
i began to cry-- tried
to grab myself through the
mirror again but this time
my hand touched glass--
i asked to be clay--  to
burst in the kiln & start
over again & again--
i took my lips out of
my pocket & tried to become 
a woman--
both hands leaving smudges on
the glass i told her to
turn away--
to turn away & leave me alone 
& so my reflection
put her clothing
on-- she let her hair fall in front
of her face &
she turned her back so
i couldn't look at her--
i told her to stay like that--
to haunt me no more--
putting on my own cloths
i looked back one more time
but the mirror was empty
as it would remain--
lately i have been
in search my reflect--
i've been holding this apology
in my throat--
i want her to come back--
i'm not so scared of my own 
skin now & i keep my lips
on my face--
i want to tell her she
can be naked & pink & 
stomach fat & hairy arms--
she can be a jar of paper clips
or the drowsy face of the 
moon-- 
i clear the mist off
the mirror in
my bathroom
i'm twenty-one &
i still look for her--