when heaven was 
the other side of a cloud

it was one of those
nights where i was
the only person left
on earth &
headlights 
drove themselves--
blared in the driveway--
it was one of those
nights where i had to 
coax my body to stay &
not wander off
to a cloud--
it was one of 
those nights 
i spent trying 
not to think
so much about dying 
& thinking 
how everything
would be better
if the rapture would
have happened--
we all could have gone 
up together--
i want to go back to
a time when heaven
was as close as the other
side of 
a cloud-- i don't 
want to die
but when i look
at the confused september
street all i can think
about is how the 
sidewalk will look
covered in snow--
how it's inevitable 
that it will be again
covered in snow 
i like to look at snow
but i don't like
the way it tucks 
us all in--
tells us to whisper--
snow says
speak in hushed voices
get out of bed late
& turn your body 
into an angel--
flap your wings--
backwards fly into
a headlight--
i believe in coming back
to summer-- not because
it's better than snow
but because it's
most lonely of all
the seasons--
summer cuts her hair
& no one notices--
summer shaves the 
front lawns of her knees--
she asks me 
to hold her hand
& walk up our
street again--
she says she feels
like she doesn't have a right
to be so bold in september--
i kiss her under a street lamp
like how you're supposed to--
i'm watching her
decrescendo-- her
arms will start 
at night-- cold-- 
she will grow frost
under her fingernails
she'll shake her bones loose
in maple trees--
paint maroon &
mandarin leaves on sidewalk 
& autumn will never
love her like i did--
since if was seven
i've been fascinated
by frozen 
lakes-- 
i stood
on the edge of the pond
in fleetwood park
while my father
explained that the
ice wasn't thick enough 
to stand on--
i wanted to walk on it
anyway--
like a sidewalk--
like a sidewalk to 
fall into--
i watched TV shows about
little kids
who slipped through 
the ice & were rescued
only i didn't
want to be rescued--
i wanted from the bottom
of my bones
to feel cold-- to feel
the stillness 
of the bottom of
the pond-- a ceiling
of ice &
heaven sitting
above with
her headlights