my abacus rib cage

how many
calories are in
the sun?
i've been thinking
that maybe there's
enough to finally 
free me--
fork & knife
slice by fire-slice--
i keep thinking
maybe if i eat
enough i will
stop seeing everything
as a numbers-- 
you-- the number 
28-- it's written
across your thighs
i'm caught there in
your figure-eight--
let's lay on
our sides
so 8 can become ∞ 
infinity-- 
i didn't meant force
you into being infinite
just for me--
6-- the number
of scares still visible
on my left forearm--
some still with scabs--
3 the number of
times this week i have
wanted to subtract 
from my body-- this isn't
your average number poem--
this is a prayer to
consume the sun--
burn plastic spoons
in the atmosphere--
are there enough calories
in the sun?
80-- an apple-- who
sucked sun ray after
sun ray-- 
pears are between 100 
& 120-- their sugars
swelling-- soft--
7 the number of days
a week i wake up
with a moth
as a heart-- yes i've
said that before
but as we speak
it's wings are pulsing
105 times a minute--
105 guesses at 
the number of stars
who could
fit on my bed room ceiling
how many calories do 
i burn just counting
this world each day?
how many number have
i yet to encounter?
the abacus beads
are on my rib cage--
when you touch me
i count-- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
the number of fingers on
my skin--
here hold
the ladder steady 
i'm going to eat
now-- i'm going to
eat every number
so they can no
longer speak to me
& 60% of me is supposedly 
water so maybe
60% of me is oceans &
maybe when i fall
from eating the sun 
i will make a great big
splash inside
of myself-- a space shuttle
landing in the atlantic
of my own chest--
bead by bead-- don't
5, forget to count
the coffee you drank this
morning 
92.96 million miles 
to reach the sun's
flushed face-- 
i tell god that
i'm going to do it--
that i'm going to
be brave & eat
the whole entire sun--
spoon clenched in
my fist i hug
the ladder rung--
sobbing-- tears
becoming comets--
1, 2, 3 enter orbit--
i say
i'm sorry 
i'm so sorry
i thought i could 
do it this time--
& the sun weeps
with my
& turns over for
the night--
when i reach earth
again you
hold me & we count
each other's ribs 
24-- between us 48--
oh abacus love
me into the thousands--
the light years--
if i would have done
it-- if i would
have eaten the sun--
think of how
many light years
i would contain-- 
i say 
someday--
someday before
the supernova i'll
climb
back up there
fork & knife & 
my silver spoon &
eat all the numbers
away 
you kiss me 9 times
& tell me that
your believe me--
i'm 5 tall &
∞ wide &
when i lay down to
sleep & stretch
out my fingers
i can reach my hands
behind my
back & hold
the entire circumference 
of the earth 
all 24,901 miles--
24 the number
of hours with numbers--
count backwards from
100 with me 
& fall asleep
to the sound of 
my moth 
wing beat &
the tender
weeping 
of the sun