staring

re-learn how
to blink--
kiss windows--
inhale backwards--
descend skyward
& take me with you--
i feel myself 
dying again &
it starts with the
rancorous creases
of my white bed room
walls 
today i'm wildly sick
of snow & all of
it's cliches-- 
i lay hover in
my room-- eyes
peeled open by the 
gaping mouth
of death-- his laugh
a kind of fear that
turns bodies
into wind chimes--
perched in every corner--
he smiles &
eats a bag of 
popcorn
while he surveys my
routine-- my 
hurried scribbling
of poem fragments--
rolling out my pink
yoga mat to 
try to tame my skin
& my heart--
i flurry like
the snow-- uneven--
sporadic
& when i was seven
i remember the thrill
of pressing the first 
tiny foot print in
the back yard 
piled with snow-- a
pristine metaphor
for innocence or something
like that--
opened my mouth
let ice crystals
land on
my tongue-- 
parachutes 
deployed & 
melting fast-- they
said their farewells 
as they slide 
down my throat--
some survived to pose
on my glasses & 
freckled cheeks
before slipping
into water--
did i think about
death then or
is this a new thing?
is it because i'm gay?
& will i slip
into water
on the asphalt 
in the morning?
i keep my head
down when i leave
out the back door--
ignore the snow
as if it's symbolism
can't touch me 
if i don't give it
any attention--
oh all that romance--
each individual 
fragment of frost
sacrificing themselves
on my cheeks--
i want to turn
the sun down
like a volume knob 
so that i can 
pull the blinds shut
& sleep this all away
oh death with 
his blankets &
his blank stare--
i have to watch him
i have to watch him
or he'll move
from the corner--
open his cracked
lips to laugh at me--
laugh the back porch with
storm-- laugh
my windows open
& laugh the freckles
off my face-- back
into snowflakes
where they came from--
where is the blizzard
i was born in
& is she still watching--
will she come back
for me when my time
comes to blink 
long & forever?
i step outside--
close 
eyes-- lift my
head & open
my mouth--
the snow tastes metallic
like blood
& aluminum foil