white christmas

the sky wanted 
so badly to snow
for us-- 
last night 
as you 
drove me home 
we listened 
to her
as she sobbed in
her bathroom-- 
touched her 
face with
the back of her
hand-- 
felt herself
falling more & more
she came down as
as rain on
our wind shield &
you said that
it wasn't quite snow--
there is a loneliness
to christmas 
that has settled in
me as i've gotten
older-- a deep
fear of darkened 
store-front &
the absence of
open signs--
it is such a 
terrifying
& rare thing to
see people stopping--
to see the super
market parking lot
vacant--
i have a deep sympathy
for the 
almost-snowflakes
this year-- 
i feel
like the whole year
sneaked up on 
me & now i'm here--
haunting my house
alone on christmas
eve & somewhere
there are santas
clauses with umbrellas
& soaked socks--
will he start up
our fire place again 
to dry off?
will he come in
through the
window this year?
will he bring me
the slowness i
asked for-- 
oh the sky just
wanted that
unhurried promise
of snow-- the way
it breathes a hush--
the way it 
teaches humans 
patience again--
when i was little
there was once
a thick perfect christmas
snow & when i stepped
outside with my father
we saw reindeer foot
prints on the roof
& everything 
moved as if
we were isolated 
inside a snow globe
or a music box or
living out our lives
in one of those 
model 
christmas houses
on side tables-- 
the yellow glow
of our porch lights
on the 
cotton snow-- 
for who do you
melt?
for who are you
feeling heavy?
so i stared out
the window
as the rain became 
more determined--
counted
the cars as 
they swam with
windshield wiper
strokes--
i wanted to
know where they
all could be driving
so late on
christmas eve--
i wanted to tell
them that there
are no stores open--
there are no more
places
left to
go besides churches  
& the WaWa on fifth 
avenue
where people
like me go
to pray in the headlights
of the congregation
of other people
so struck by
the fear of
the store fronts
with their eyes shut--
this poem is a prayer
for you &
the snow--
a prayer that 
we stop letting years 
pass by without
enough 
i love yous 
a prayer that 
you will wear
your glasses when
you drive at night
& a prayer 
you & me will
finally stop
getting older--
you are the reindeer
foot prints still
pacing my roof
you are the 
few persistent 
snow flakes that 
managed to fall 
last night--