growing

when we first moved in 
to the house on noble street
the back yard 

was only dirt

no christmas tree planted

no magenta alien flowers
popping up in mid-may

just wind coughing dust
bronchitis-lunged--

we had chain-link fence mouths-- 

billy & i took buckets
to make mud--

ankle deep in earth--

i painted my face
like a warrior & billy 
washed his hands with 
the garden hose

this was before 
uncle rich bought
the pile of red stones 
that would wait next
to the garage

perfect for a base
when we played tag

we imagined it
into a mountain--
standing higher than
the smokeless chimney--

like all father's
mine wanted a lawn to mow--

i had thought for
some reason that grass seeds
would be round 

little circles 
like the mustard seeds
mom ground to fill

jars in the cupboard--

how will we liken 
the kingdom of god?

it is like a grain of
mustard seed--

growing into evergreen tree--
into chimneys & wild onions--

dad bought grass seed by
the bag & i sat on
the porch while i watched
him plant the whole yard--

aching to 
leap in sprinklers 
as they caressed the unborn
heads of the grass--

when dad wasn't home
sometimes i took off
my shoes & ran 
once or twice through
the sprinkler--

i never told dad but maybe 
he knew

it seemed to take
forever to grow--

frustrated dad would
pace in the sun room
staring out the back window
at the sprinkler choreography 
& the mucky lawn--

at night in bed i 
thought of the grass seeds--

thin & white--
drinking with their whole body--

gulp by gulp

how long could they wait?

i felt my hair growing longer--

like i was floating
underwater at the pool--
 
inhaling sharply to check
i was still on land--

i wake up like
that sometimes still--
small & seed-like

glass of water 
by the foot of my bed

eventually the grass came
not slowly 
all at once--

(that's not really how it
happened but the story is
better that way)

all at once like
a ballet falling open--
ribbons & point shoes--

there was orchestra music &
the sun came up &
every hair of grass 
stood on end--

goose bump pebbled--

standing in the grass
i grow taller now--

grow knees & a heart 
the size of a mustard seed 
waiting for the wind to
scatter it--

waiting for god to scatter it--

mouth kissing garage doors--

making mud--

oh what kind of grass
grows in the backyards of
gay men?

ones that still sleep like this--

like a fleck of grass
desperately drinking water--

my father mows the lawn even
though it's made of mud 

i'm standing up &
jumping through the sprinkler 
under the stern gaze of the moon 

he doesn't notice