horseshoe crab eggs

was i born first
as a golden mustard seed?
a horseshoe crab egg

planetary & aching 
with pre-history--

oh trembling moons

clustered & foaming 
in the salty mouth 
of the shore--

when i had a sore throat
as a little girl i would
sit on the kitchen counter
& gargle salt water 

my mother mixed it
with a teaspoon in a mason jar

she said:

this is to remind 
you of home

& with her reddish pincher legs
she would turn back 
into the surf

i was telling you
yesterday about how
i still think of
all the horseshoe crabs 
we saw on the shore
that night in stone harbor

when the moon was also
an embryo--

do you know have many
of their eggs
fit on the face of
a quarter?

is this how god thinks
of us all?

like caviar or 
dislodged rosary beads
laid in the cold sand--

i asked you
if you thought 
the horseshoe crabs
had any awareness of 
what was happening?

that they were becoming parents

or if it would purely impulse
to find a lover
on the beach that night--

did they have hopes
for me?

my horseshoe crab parents 
as they scarred each other's
copper shells in
the violence of the tide 

tide drawn in & out--

the hem of a dress

my father hung green wispy 
curtains in my bed room 
like a veil--

in the summer when the 
air-conditioning churned 
they thrashed like 
vocal chords--

do they have voices then?
the horseshoe crabs 

if i open my mouth
will i speak it--

is it the sound you
hear when you put your
ear to a conch shell--

my father taught me
that trick--

he put the shell to
my ear & i pushed it away--

i was terrified that
something would crawl
out of the cove of the shell--

i remembered our 
arachnid legs--

saw them clamoring
for my ears--

i want to know 
what it's like to see
with so many eyes--

i gave mine up
as i got older--

slipping them into pockets
like marbles--
cupping them in my hands 
like minnows to be let
go in the stream by my house

who do they see for?

does god sometimes 
kneel & look through
a set of their pupils--

does he feel in touch 
with the earth?

does he take a handful 
of eggs & decide which 
ones will live--

yes that one is me--

i came pink & naked
from beneath an exo skeleton--

learning how
to be human came easily

the doll houses & tea sets

uncle rich called me
a fish for how long
i lingered in water--

drank from the hose
& put my head under water
in the bath--

what would they think of
me now?

my horseshoe crab parents--

are they still alive
or did a sea gull leave
them only a husk?

if i found them
i would thank them 
for my body--

i would show them 
my bedroom & 
fill the world up
with salt water--

foaming on the windows
& in the bathtub