cat birds

you said 
it's a terrifying thing 
to be a biological being
& the baby in the grocery store
sounded like a cat bird/
maybe it was a cat bird 
spitting grey feathers--
mom crouched down on her knees
rocking the basinet back &
forth while her husband 
scanned groceries--
the tiny voice reminded
me of my brother when he was small
& looked like a pink boiled potato.
we would be rocking him back & forth & hoping
he would go back to sleep--
it's terrifying yes with all 
the slimy fingers & little black beaks
all the feathers & the business of
falling out of second story windows.
my friend used to baby sit &
one of the boys pushed on the window
screen & fell out-- he wasn't a cat bird--
when i was in elementary school i thought
that i wanted kids & i would swallow
the stuffing of teddy bears to try
to make one grow inside me-- wads pulled
out from the floor of my bed room where
on the front porch there were robins 
building their nest-- filling the world
with more gumballs-- pink chewy babies--
i'm 21 & i don't think the world is over populated
but sometimes i think that there's
too many birds-- the bamboo thicket behind
the house chirps at me & i can't see any of
their faces so they could be anything--
sparrows & red-headed wood peckers & a cardinal
or three-- maybe babies crawling on
the forest floor-- learning their bird calls--
practicing-- their mothers had dropped off
for an afternoon of peace--
i don't know how my mom put up with
so many birds in the house-- feathers 
strewn about the upstairs hallways where
you can't leave the light on too long
or it'll overpower the circuit-- we don't
own any bird cages but we do own an attic--
so yes, we were talking about wanting kids 
& we don't want kids, yes we don't want kids 
not like this only if they're queer &
come to our back door step looking for
a place to sleep. the idea of being so
far along in life that i have a guest bedroom--
that's where they can sleep at first &
i'll warn them that i am a selfish person
who probably shouldn't be responsible for
pushing someone off the ledge of a nest but
i'll remember the boy who fell & i'll caulk 
the windows shut so no the baby can't go
pushing out the window screens--
the house is too tall-- 
we've become so so biological 
so epigenetic-- 
the gay & transgender 
cells expressing themselves
& making gay & transgender cat birds--
bumble gum stuck to the bed post
rocking chair made of feathers