10 hail marys worth

& for your penance
monsignor said across the breakfast
table. 10 hail marys
i held the confession script in
my hand along with the morning paper--
a headline about russia-- my mother 
in the other room typing the news--
she listens to a radio muffled in
the corner-- reporting on the world outside.
i hate that, how he always
gives me hail marys & i want 
to know if it is because i used to be
a girl (briefly). emptying my pockets of
peace-be-with-yous-- coin mouthed,
i lay staring at the white ceiling again--
an orange note stuck to my forehead--
a parking ticket with a little envelope
to mail in to the city. i'm not paying
20 dollars just for falling asleep
in someone else's bed. it's the law
you know? when mom worked in the city
she'd come home with tickets & she'd 
set them on the table with the other 
bills until they ripened & tasted 
like grapefruit or tangerines (still sour)
slicing them with a ball point pen--
if you eat quickly enough the flashlights
would miss us, peering in the kitchen windows--
the police officers with their in discernible
faces & their teeth made of red & blue light.
talk less & they'll move on. the ticket
requested another 10 hail marys but
i'm not going to say them. they can't make
me pray out of guilt. i want to pray 
for the dead relatives, nudging their bodies
one step closer to heaven, that's how it
worked yes? we all get to take up space
with enough prayer. i'm never going to 
get there though, i think i'm content 
getting tickets when i close my eyes--
it makes me feel wild, checking to see
if every black car is the police. 
i don't even trust the old trees anymore,
they share secrets. they snitch. 
occasionally i sleep beneath them though,
coiled up like a fist of roots. i say 
this is a space i want to take up,
this is mine. this is mine. this is mine.
monsignor nudges me with his shiny black
shoe as the sun comes up. he says
why don't you want your sin to go away?
& puts a rosary around my neck along
with another parking ticket. 
saint mary rolls her eyes & shoos him away.
tell me to go back to sleep. says 
the hail marys for me, only this time.