bleaching heaven 

we didn't expect the water,
the angel telling me to hold my breath
forever now, backwards off the pier.
after all the clouds in picture books 
& all the feathers stuffed in mouths,
how dare death begin with held breath.
as if my ankles had weights, i sank
easier than ever before-- opened my mouth
but there was no air left to escape from me.
i should have guessed that heaven would
be water; the coral reef below,
angels with their fish eyes & yellow fins.
too fast for us, darting by with their 
own important errands. 
a few feet away though the reef screamed
barren & white. crooked branch bones--
the curious body i have had to walk there.
we had no business bleaching heaven,
but of course we did it anyway. i see
my uncle in the driveway tripping & spilling
the bucket of bleach on his hands. the splotches
of white that burned onto him. the reach,
taking handfuls of color & offering them
up to god to keep, hoping that maybe
he, of all clown fish, will keep 
it all alive. he stuffed himself in 
an anemone where none of the humans can go.
out in the bleached fields i wander &
run into ghosts of myself, the version
of me taken by ripe tides in chincoteague 
or mistaken for a stone in the lake. 
they have long hair & i don't try to cut it.
under a staghorn coral i search my pockets 
& find the notebook you gave me. 
the ink all blurry, bleeds blue into
the water around me. i speak to the whiteness
& ask if there is anything i can do to stop it.
no answer. god covers his face,
makes his way over to a land where he can
be a middle-aged man again. dries his 
face with one of our towels in the hall closet.
sprawls on the sofa & flips on the tv
to take his mind off of it all. 
a bucket spills on me & i there's no
where to try to scrub it off. i let it take
effect-- feel the arms-- the branches 
growing from me. a hunk of white coral.
if you end up here, lean up against me.
it's so cold down here. i need some 
of your sun yellow color. empty your 
pockets. the paper clips. the rosaries.
the star you stole before you left. 
the bleach will spill, as it does.