someone said the urge to kill yourself 
only lasts 20 minutes, so you
just need to distract yourself 
that long. for me, it feels 
like a few thousand people 
who all go shopping at the same 
time as i do. they buy beautiful things
like powdered donuts & jello.
they're all too close to me, 
sometimes our carts clang together.
now we're all at the same stop light
& they all play different sad songs.
i like the sad songs but i also 
don't want to listen to them.
i ask them to turn their radios down but
they turn them all up. 
it's a loud place, my body:
like a shopping mall, i go into
all the stores just to pick a few items up,
carry them around the store, & 
then put them back down without buying them.
the urge is like a display of scented candles,
i peel off lids: apples & cinnamon 
autumn leaves, pumpkin & bourbon,
sweet pea. we smell them &
they all smell delicious, almost edible.
i dip my fingers in the wax & lick them
while you're not looking.
i don't tell you when i'm thinking
of killing myself because there's
nothing much else anyway can say after that.
i just live with a lot of people,
all of them made of suicide letters
that i write on the drive home.
i roll them up & put them in plastic
water bottles set out for recycling.
all the people at the supermarket 
they live really beautiful lives,
all of them. they buy white bread.
they split a box of sour gummy worms.
they climb into my cart & tell me 
that the end is always like this.
that it's not too loud or bright or climactic.
i park the car & sit inside for nearly 
20 minutes.