babysitters 

i have several babysitters
& i don't know any of their names.
they're very beautiful & young,
all of them. i didn't know
i would be getting anymore
babysitters & then they started
arriving, coming to sit beside
me in the living room. they asked
me if i'd eaten dinner & if i 
wanted us to order pizza. 
the babysitter knocked on 
the big window & opened it,
in came pizzas, hot & fresh.
she brings napkins, this one does.
it makes sense though, because
i also don't remember any of 
my babysitters names from
when i was small. there was
one girl with bouncy curly hair
& we ate bagels on the porch 
in the summer. another one 
was good at playing stuffed 
animals. do they think about me
still? do they not remember
my name either? in their memory
do i exist as a girl with 
vanilla pudding fingers &
a bob haircut? 
the babysitters don't understand
privacy. they follow me around
the house & one pulls
up a chair to watch me while
i fall asleep. i ask her why
she doesn't go home & she
nods her head & smiles. 
another babysitter walks
up & down the staircase all
night long. i hear the wince
of each stair & they feel as
if they're my vertebrae. 
i went to leave the house yesterday
& the babysitters assembled,
they laid themselves
in front of the door & sobbed,
they pleaded with me not to go.
i told that i promised i would 
be back & that i would bring
them cake pops if they were good
& stopped throwing a fit. 
this calms them down a bit.
i had one babysitter who liked
to take us to Ruby Tuesdays so
that we could fake one of
our birthdays & get a slice
of freezer-burned cake. i always
felt guilty, blew out the candle.
when i came home i brought 
the babysitters a blank sheet cake.
at first they wouldn't look look at me,
pouting about my absence, but, as i
sliced the cake they warmed up,
i said that it could be
all of their birthdays as long
as it wasn't mine. we each stepped
onto the white surface of the cake
& the babysitters took to lighting 
each other's hair on fire. 
i didn't try to stop them.
i stepped back & blew them out
& closed their eyes.