i associate my grandmother with pussy willows

there are pussy willow growing
from the walls of her little apartment
i imagine her harvesting them 
& plucking all the little grey fur buds off
each of the buds mewing 
like her generations of cats 
turning into cats on the soft vanilla carpet
i'm not sure how many times she had pussy willows
in a vase on her dining room table
by the antique brass scales weighing
a fake pear & a fake apple
apple always heavier
i'm not sure how many times
but it had to have been more than once
i was maybe 7 or 8 years old &
i would 
when no one was looking
pick the branch's greyish fur
pinch the bud in my hand
a new kind of mammal
as if newborn mice were seeds
crawling on the arms of a bush 
as if we
my grandmother 
& me
were also born 
with soft grey fur
perched on a wooden limb
i know very little about
my grandmother
she's a spoon on the side of a metal pot
a milk carton shaped magnet on the fridge
pink & green checkerboard shoes by the door
i think of her alone
sitting on the edge of her bed
the small grey kittens 
ambling towards her
her collecting the cats in her hands 
like a bowl of blue berries 
or on heavy peach 
her kissing each of them on the forehead
maybe i'm one of them
pink paw
mew scratchy pollen tongue
returning to my stalk 
to be quiet & soft
all day in the light 
through her dining room window
climbing down once or twice
to pick up the fake pear
& the fake apple
to check which one is heavier
i'm the apple 
always heavier
i'm also the pear