on falling 

they dropped ants off the top of a skyscraper
on this tv show i was watching.
none of them broke. each fell softly like
dandelion tufts. little ambling seeds.
i want to know that kind of falling &
if it's possible in this body. 
in middle school i did similar experiments,
first with army men. opening the window a crack
& encouraging them to take the leap. 
taking risks is admirable, brave even.  
a sign of a good leader. 
there are of course animals 
who jump naturally; lemmings & humans
& i think i've seen an image of buffaloes
tumbling from the side of a mountain like boulders, 
though for the human it is less natural 
& more of a throbbing impulse. the bridge
is covered with army men & ants.
the ants are descending without harm.
there's some bridge in france where dogs 
leap off the side without warning. 
an ant can fall from any height without harm.
i have known men like that but we are not
one of them. the bed rooms in my parent's house
were all on the second floor until my brother
moved into the attic. we pried open 
the window screen up there so we could
drop stuffed animals from that high up.
we'd pause to hear the thack as they hit
the driveway below. none of them died.
this whole summer i harvested ants--
collecting them in mason jars & feeding them
sugar water. i told them i needed them
i told them we were going to try something
& last night i crawled up on the roof
of my apartment, just like an ant & 
i did not jump off it but i did pour 
the ants out. i did pretend 
i was one of them.
that silk plummet. the air & the ground 
indistinguishable from each other. 
six twitching legs & whirling antennae.
if i wanted to i could have press my finger
down on each of the ants & flattened them 
into smudge. but falling yes that is something
i need more practice with. i would 
sit on the ledge of my windowsill. dangle my legs.
i would turn into an ant before falling.
no i wouldn't fall i would light matches 
& drop them. no i wouldn't do that either
i would imagine dropping heavy
like a bucket of water. scattered & 
irreconcilable. seeping into the earth.
i told the ants to pretend to be snow  
as they fell. i fall into bed like
a night of grey. i fall into morning
like a scattered shower. damp grass &
the quiet ambling of the ants i dispersed.