the three of us were 15 

& we ate powdered donuts on her couch. 
we played kiss, marry, fuck
which was the older-girl version 
of kiss, marry, kill. i always struggled 
to order the boys. the problem of who to fuck
& who to kill is not all that different.
i was the only one who always wanted 
to use a piece of paper. i wanted to see them
in front of me. as we played we watched 
a horror movie. little light came from the TV
as the scenes were dark. in the movie
a little boy wanders away from his body
in his sleep. i wanted to tell them about
how this had happened to me. how some nights
i would wake up staring at myself in bed.
this didn't seem like the right time
because they were trying to decide
who to fuck. they always put 
a certain boy in my list & i found myself 
killing him over & over & 
by the i mean i found myself
fucking him over & over.
our conversation weaved between
the boys & the movie & what we would
paint our rooms if our parents 
let us do whatever we wanted.
she told me she wanted to paint her room black
& spatter the walls with neon paint.
she told me this would be good for fucking
& i thought it would be good for killing.
she said she was going to actually do this 
& that she would invite us over
to decorate the room together--
that she would paint our bodies neon
& we would glow there in the dark room.
all i could think about was how
my uncle told me once that dark colors
make rooms feel smaller. i room closing in
on three girls. i ordered my boys again.
i wanted to kiss them all. i wanted to
paint them in neon paint
in a very small room. in the movie
demons intercept the boy when 
he wanders too far from his body.
the world of his dreams is
full of fog. she screams as a demon
wraps his fingers around the boy.
the world is small & dark there.
she is fucking every single boy.
we never wanted 
to marry any of them.