watching dad play video games

a splatter of thick blood.
she holds a knife in one hand 
& a gun in the other. her hour-glass figure
is perfect for pixels. short cargo shorts.
purple hair. a low-cut tank top.
he played as so many impossible women.
from the games' angles it was as if 
they were leading us into their worlds:
resident evil, dino crisis, tomb raider--
he played on the upstairs TV,
leaning forward in the chair 
to get closer to the small screen.
the TV balanced precariously on a side table.
the room had so many windows.
i sat on the floor next to him.
together i pretended we were both player 1.
i tried my best not to talk.
he needed to concentrate, i told myself.
he focused hard, 
gripping the PS1 controller so hard.
twice the plastic broke.
clicking buttons. his thumbs moved.
the controller was small for his hands 
& big for mine. of course, i wanted a turn
but i felt lucky just to watch him.
sometimes when he wasn't around
i would sit in front of the device
& just hold the controllers,
pretending to play his games.
i had my own games but mom didn't let me
play his. too much blood.
too much violence. rated MA for mature.
i wanted to be those girls with their weapons.
i wanted to cave walls with my fingers
& do back flips with a press of the square button.
i was chubby. sometimes i would
look at my stomach in the mirror
not knowing what to do with it--
wishing i could just enter those games
& change bodies. what were those girls doing
when we weren't playing?
did they walk down normal everyday streets
in the summer? did they dream of quieter lives 
or did they love the thrill 
of each puzzle. who was my dad 
to them? a father? your own father
is everyone's father.
did they know me? feeling the weight
of my hands on the controller 
in their tall thin limbs. 
dad throw the controller too,
once or twice. i would stand up & step back.
his head in his hands. 
we had killed her,
our amazing girl. the screen gone red. 
it always felt the same weather it was
a monster or a dinosaur or a villan that took her.
he told me to get out & leave him alone. 
i did, went to my room
where i laid & looke up at the ceiling
imagining her as she came back to life
on his screen.