when do you remember you body?

i've come to accept god's monitoring.
he hunches like a raven in front of a television screen
where a live stream plays of my life.
what differentiates gods from humans 
is really just attention span. most of the time
i can forget i'm alive but every once in awhile
i'm hit with the realization i am a body
& i am being observed. this is always unpleasant.
i prefer floating through my days. i feel this most often
when i'm using my measuring cups. i have three sets
& i stack them one inside the next 
like russian dolls. like a family. 
i would measure my every breath if i could.
i'm scared to tell my therapist about this 
because i don't actually have a therapist.
i always hated confession. it seems so unecessary
with god always peering in. i can tell god 
any moment i am sorry. i did this more often 
when i was younger. i would lay awake in bed
asking god to please respond to please forgive me 
for whatever small sin i'd commited.
maybe this is another difference,
gods have no voices to respond with. 
their glazes intensify. he presses his face to the TV. 
i drive to the ocean & i scoop salt water 
with the big 1 cup. i don't drink, i just pour
over my hands. i hope god is writing poetry about me
because mine is no good. i can't tell you why, 
but i know he hates my measuring cups. 
he wants me to live wild.
he wants to be entertained with my devotion.
i can't. these cups hold me together.
one day all my teeth with fit in a 1/2 cup.
one day i will have shed enough hair 
to fill a whole cup. i eat a 1/2 cup of bran cereal.
i eat it with my fingers at the kitchen counter.
i have trouble remembering to eat sitting down
so mostly i just eat hovering an inch above the floor. 
i am untethered in the deepest of ways.
i take 1/4 cups of my trembling & i toss them out the window.
it is snowing & god is pleading with me
to leave footprints across the blank sheet of white.
instead i am taking a tablespoon & dipping
into the frost to eat. snow dissolves on my tongue.
he flaps his wings & calls out with no noise.
i crr5y but only a 1/4 cup full. after that i stop 
& put myself back together. another day 
another measuring cup to climb into 
to sleep. i repeat i love myself i love myself 
almost like a prayer. can you pray to yourself?
does it always have to be for him?
i can feel him listening, feasting his eyes 
on my cups while i sleep.