calamari elegy 

all dresses are made of calamari.
ring on top of ring. ruffles 
& the swimming. they looks like fried mouths.
mouths inside mouths.  
in high school, i imagined weddings with 
so many people. i wrote our lives together
well past our thirties. 
i picked useless boys with big families
to dissapear into. i stepped through doorways
made of calamari--each leading to a new room
full of doubt. my barefeet burned 
on the surface. i fried my own tongue
before i woke-- let the sun do it's work.
i went to dinner with his whole family
& ate calamari without knowing what it was.
the smell of tomato sauce. clinking forks.
i lay a napkin in my lap.
i remembered to keep my kness together.
i felt both too old & too young for this.
one of his relatives asks if i'm italian.
i say i am because it's easiest.
the whole menu in italian i try to google
the names of dishes. no service.
i ask god for help & he laughs
inthe flourescent lights. when has he
helped me? my boyfriend wants 
steak. he wants any kind 
of meat. i feed him my finger tips
while i'm trying to decide.
i pick calamari in a rush 
as the waitor jots down our orders.
the table goes silent & all his family
stare at me. they ask if i know
what calamari is & reader i already told you
i didn't. but i said yes yes i do know.
they go back to their conversations.
i have admitted to eating squid 
& being a strange girl. my boyfriend
holds out his glass of water
& tell me to go inside as punishment.
i tread water. they give me my own table
for eating squid. it is delicious.
i am sorry. i was vegetarian 
until this moment. i thank the squid 
for their bodies cut into circuits.
the orbits of the planets charted 
in their thick breaded loops. 
i make earrings of the calamari 
& i slip the rings on my fingers,
imagining this boy proposing to me
with calamari. i accepted all the bad treatment.
on the way home he kissed me 
like he was still hungry. 
he dropped me off at home leaving me
feeling called to salt water.
my heart was full of squid 
& their fears & their aches.
i told the squid to teach me how to love
better boys & they pulsed away--
ghosts into a black ocean.