the chart

the semester we all watched the L word 
was the loneliest i've ever been. 
i remember the texture of my dorm room's carpet
& the slit of sun that shone below the blinds.
the campus was a bowl of leaves &
i cracked my window to hear people talking
on the front porch next door. 
i was only a lesbian for
about a year before becoming 
something else. i felt my body grow
near & far. my chest binder was made 
of windshield wipers. each morning
i ate a protein bar at my wooden desk
& folded the wrapper before
slipping it into the trash can. 
in the show, Alice crafted "the chart"
which was a vast network of who slept with who 
slept with who. from a distance
it looked like a spider web full of eggs.
i imagined my own sphere
& the telephone wires leading my skin
to others. we all screened the L word 
in our own separate corners. 
the glow of laptop screens in the dark.
we were trying to catch up
to each other. i watched faster 
than anyone else. i lived in a room alone.
i had two closets. one was full of clothing 
& the other was full of miscellany.
i joked to myself that i could fit
back into my own closet. i fucked
a few boys in that room. one of them
shook my hand before leaving
another pressed his pelvis so hard into me
my hips bruised. purple is the color
of wanting. it was like he wanted
to fuse with me. i wanted to tell him
there would be a line between us 
on a chart hovering below my skin.
you lose track of what you want
very easliy. but then again, 
it is hard to know how to want something
when your body is becoming unsturdy. 
maybe it wasn't that lonely. one night
we sat in my friends living room 
& played jenga for hours. the blocks
fell & fell & fell. 
the leaves crawled back into the trees
& turned green. i found a mouse
under my bed & wanted to talk to her.
i told her i was sorry but that 
i would have to erradicate her.
the last girl i kissed was 
the previous autumn. she had long black hair 
& two lip rings she pierced herself.
she'd never seen the L word. 
her sphere is made of glass 
& i peer in at her. my sphere
is opaque & disappearing. soon all my tethers
will turn to soot. i wished i had
as much passion as the characters
on the L word. the follow each other 
into chasms. they walks down hallways
& paint shadows into each other's hair.
i have never lived like that.