forgive i slept very poorly last night

so i’m trying to use this poem

as an offering to the bugs

who walk my house while i sleep.

they did not have their dancing

as usual because i was out there

stalking the hallway with my iPhone light

& my worries.

now, on my ladybug abacus i’m trying to count

how many blood cells i have in my body

but it’s hard with all the wandering.

i say, “please hold still.”

i found the first lady bug

exploring my wall & i asked her

“will you help me measure?”

i’m hoping for an even number

most people have somewhere

in the trillions. what if i have

only a few? what then?

it’s okay to give up.

a doctor siphons out all my blood

& she sends my cells to a water park

where they can live out their fantasies

to be children again. if my ovaries

have dreams they are probably

about having lots of pink little children.

i don’t dream much at all anymore

just nightmares of school shooters

& roller coasters. i heard a woman’s voice

at the far end of my apartment

& i thought “oh no not haunted again.”

follows me everywhere. the lady bugs

want nothing to do with my worries.

you don’t understand because

you’re just bugs but my life is held together

by door knobs & measuring cups &

waking up perfectly at 7am. if i don’t do these things

then all your wings will fall off.

when the blood returns it sings

so i vibrate with longing. maybe today

i will go down to the lake & pretend

to be a lady bug or just a cell.

what am i doing here

in all this mess? i turn all the light out

& pretend it’s not morning.