we stared nature documentaries
all early pandemic. screen glow
a sever in the wall. leaving soon.
everyone would be leaving soon.
you pleaded with me to turn on
anything else. stubborn & sick,
i lied & said i found the documentaries comforting
but mostly, i just wanted to disperse my body
& this tactic was working.
arctic & ocean & hyenas bright night-vision eyes.
ever since i was small i've hoped to be
any other animal. washed my hands
& asked to come away with hooves.
this is of course a great romantization.
through video i saw how
anxiety urges an umbrella bird
to change branches. my heart
in any body would find its same fears
would worry about swallowing.
sharks never sleep. jelly fish thought
is so much more complex than our own
we say they have no brain. i saw jellyfish
& knew they were dreaming of utopias.
antelope stand only a few seconds after they're born.
i pictured us this certain. standing
in the dry tall grass. knees ready.
you & me, we were not antelope
or even tigers or even red tail hawks.
we were skin wrapped like a flag
around bone. i couldn't pry you open
& you didn't know me anymore. or was it
the other way around? in the shower
i clenched as clam or mussel. you knocked
on the door & made me human. at the time,
i hated you for it. was i really close
to antelope or was i fooling myself?
sometimes i still hope
for another species to sweep me off my future.
give me seal or blue ring octopus.
when a siren beat its wings against window
we'd pause the show. i'd say "i love you"
& i'd mean "i'm trying to save myself."