my brother & i killed god in the woods behind our house

we only meant to push him off the quarry cliff side.
he was laughing like a skipping CD player. fire pit eyes.
all night he chased us, asking for our real names.
sometimes, he was a mountain lion, on all fours. 
sometimes, he spoke in latin mass fragments. other times 
he limped like our father, kitchen knife
in his hand. a god is a pillar of fear. our quick decision. 
my heart a blueberry basket of no more. no more. we watched 
as he fell. felt terror & relief & what now what now.
in the aftermath, i always crave the trauma again.
thinking, come back & remind me what my body is.
because i am not sure. not anymore. maybe not ever.