my brother & i killed god in the woods behind our house we only meant to push him off the quarry cliff side. he was laughing like a skipping CD player. fire pit eyes. all night he chased us, asking for our real names. sometimes, he was a mountain lion, on all fours. sometimes, he spoke in latin mass fragments. other times he limped like our father, kitchen knife in his hand. a god is a pillar of fear. our quick decision. my heart a blueberry basket of no more. no more. we watched as he fell. felt terror & relief & what now what now. in the aftermath, i always crave the trauma again. thinking, come back & remind me what my body is. because i am not sure. not anymore. maybe not ever.